I always love reading these stories and commend those who go the extra mile to give up technology or make a significant contribution to nature by way of isolation and minimalism. However, the same moral questions always come up for me. I’ll get to those shortly.
Continue reading The Way Home: Tales from a life without technology: ReviewTag Archives: Relationships
“It’s Too Late.” Says Who?
I’ve always been a bit introverted. I strongly believe that everyone has some level of being ambiverted. I had an ex who told me that it was too late for me to make friends. This was while I was a non-traditional college student trying my best to make connections. I believed him.
This caused me to latch on strongly to relationships because I felt that was all I had. I’ve only recently realized how untrue that was.
I admit, it was hard for me to find friends in high school or college who I connected with on a deeper level due to past trauma. I didn’t trust many people, and I still don’t. But, everyone is not the enemy. Everyone is not “fake” with false motives. Moreover, you can make friends with shared interests as an adult.
Granted, it does take effort and initiative. I felt a bit lost at first while I was single. I tried random events, forums, outings, etc. in my quest to develop something. Eventually, it did work!
I gained a close friend group who I care about and vice versa. It made me realize the importance of “friends” and who will be there during the ups and downs.
I had a chat with one of those friends recently about how often this can also backfire. There is a particular friend who always disappears while in a relationship and returns when things don’t work out. It’s noticeable.
At some point, people will give up on you as being a genuine person. You will have no one to turn to once it fails (this does not mean that it will). However, I believe you should give 6 months to a year in a romantic relationship before you begin to prioritize your relationship over your friends. Even then, it is to balance your time with both.
The friend mentioned above blamed “work” as the reason for not being around as much, but we knew that was not true. The heavy workload only seemed to increase when the relationship was thriving. We were “missed” when things were not going well or ended.
This reminded me of myself. I certainly clung to my past partners and gave up on the idea of friends entirely. It’s healthy to have a friend group. It doesn’t have to be a large circle but someone other than a relative or romantic partner is essential to emotional wellbeing.
If you’re an introvert like me, I can feel your eye roll. I get it, but I urge you to consider ways to make a new connection that isn’t forceful or heavy-handed (ie, sending email, social media, and text blasts to hang out with people you have not spoken to in years). Let it flow naturally and see what comes of it.
That’s what will ultimately last.
“Ethical” Non-Monogamy (ENM): How Morally Correct is Non-Monogamy?
If you have recently perused dating sites, you have come across profiles that mention ENM. What is ethical, of course, depends on what relationship standards are set between all parties involved. Is it truly possible to be “happy” if you’re seeking fulfillment in others on a public dating forum?
Continue reading “Ethical” Non-Monogamy (ENM): How Morally Correct is Non-Monogamy?Do You Envy Yourself?
Imagine this: You’re scrolling social media and you see a picture of a person smiling. It’s one of the largest and most alluring smiles you have seen in a long time. The person seems so happy. They must have a perfect life; the setting appears scenic and dreamy. The background is of beautiful trees with vibrant colors, and you think to yourself, I wish that were me. Guess what? It is. It’s a picture of you. How is this possible? You don’t recognize the person reflecting back at you from the computer screen. Who is this being?
Continue reading Do You Envy Yourself?Not All Wounds Are Visible
I read this phrase today, “not all wounds are visible,” and it made me think of love. Love is a constant wound that never heals. It just continues to reopen; sometimes slowly, at other times quickly. It’s sometimes painful and at other times we barely feel it. It’s self-inflicted; yet, given by those whom we thought were closest. Why can’t we seem to cure trauma?
Continue reading Not All Wounds Are VisibleEmotional Cheating: The Non-verbal Breakup
We’ve all been in, or know someone who has been, in a relationship with a partner who stands by protecting the platonic relationship because there is no physical attraction or flirtiness allegedly taking place. However, what about the emotional connection with someone else that steals away from your own relationship? How much of that emotional cheating is slowly breaking up with your partner? Let’s evaluate if it’s worth it for either partner.
Continue reading Emotional Cheating: The Non-verbal BreakupLove at First Sight: Genuine Emotion or Shallow Desire?
How many times have you heard the phrase “I knew s/he was the person I would marry when I first saw him/her. It was love at first sight.” Is starting a relationship built upon lust healthy?
Continue reading Love at First Sight: Genuine Emotion or Shallow Desire?
When Do You Pull the Plug?
You’ve been in severe pain and no form of advice, remedies, medication, meditation, or just about anything else seems to help. You feel deceived by all the times you were told everything will be alright; just give it some time, things will get better, and everything will work itself out. More like: things people say when they have nothing to say. It’s much easier to admit that I wish I knew what you were going through. I can listen if you’d like.
Continue reading When Do You Pull the Plug?
Why the Rush?
You’re driving at normal speed, and the person behind you proceeds to tailgate, presumably because you are driving too slow. This individual begins to flash headlights and honk before aggressively speeding around and making a quick exit. You notice the person speeds right into the parking lot of…fast food. So, what was the rush? A crying baby? An emergency?
Continue reading Why the Rush?Six Immediate Ideas to Apply if Your Partner is Having a Bad Day
“I could walk a mile in your shoes, but I already know they’re just as uncomfortable as mine. Let’s walk next to each other instead…”
Relationships are not always perfect, and there can be really bad times that need suggestions to help a significant other. But how do relationships handle being in a great mood when a partner isn’t? This can cause friction right away, and leave you at a loss as to what to do during that moment. I have a lot of mood swings that my boyfriend handles very well, and it is not often that the tables are turned. Below are six ways that we went from what could have become not speaking until someone apologized, to a wonderful impromptu date night out. Try reading this article about “how to manage your partner’s bad moods.” There are helpful tips to identify what to look for in your partner, and yourself during these mishaps.
Keep the focus on them
Many times we think we are being helpful by bringing up how bad our own day was. This may come off as insensitive, and quickly lead to a misunderstanding. Always keep the focus on your partner. They entrusted you enough to share a dark time, so the fair thing to do would be to keep things positive, and truly concentrate on what is being said. Watch for mannerisms, body movement, keywords, and tone. If you notice that things are escalating or becoming confrontational, offer to continue the conversation once both of you are calm, and able to control flaring tempers.
Think before you speak
This may seem obvious, but many times we become instantly defensive when it feels like a personal attack, when something may not have been intended that way. Take a moment to think about what was just said, process it, and then speak once you are clear about what you intend to say. There will be heavy emotions when someone is having a bad day. I was very excited to see my partner yesterday, and I was in one of the best moods that I have been in for quite some time during the work week. I was ready to share how work went, and how my weekly goals were coming along, but I knew straight away that he was not his normal self once I saw the expression on his face. I had to put everything that I was feeling and wanted to share on pause. I knew we would have the opportunity to talk about it later, but it did become about what he was feeling. It certainly caught me off-guard, so there were several moments that I had to change my conduct.
Keep out personal judgement
It may not always be purposely, but go back to the previous point. Think about what it is that you are saying, your tone of voice, and how someone may perceive it. Does it come off as judgmental? I tend to get a very high tone when I speak in passion, but to others, that comes off as aggressive. I notice that other people do this as well, even the same people that complain about it. Now that I have more awareness that this happens, I make them aware, also. Simply by saying, “I notice your tone is getting really loud.” This happens more with my mom than anyone else, but it is just because she is excited about the topic, and doesn’t realize that she is doing it.
Another trait of being human is that we can’t always control our facial expressions. This could come off as critical. Put together with tone, this is disaster. This is also why it is essential to listen, and only offer feedback once there is a pause break, and once the person has finished their thought. Offering advice too soon may result in a quick rebuttal if you haven’t allowed all information to come out yet. But, again, be sure that this is the time to add a comment, or if you should wait until the timing is better. This goes right into the next element.
attention or advance
Offer your full attention, and determine if this is the right moment to advance opinions. If you aren’t the type of person who is good at listening, try reading about ways to improve this skill. A few similar tips that the author suggest are: stay focused on the moment, do not interrupt, LISTEN, be fair, empathize, and ask your partner for feedback about your conversations. I never put much thought into the last one, but it is something that many couples probably don’t do enough of. If you’re with your partner most of the time, then they would be the right person to ask, but be sure it isn’t biased (it will be to some degree). All of this goes back to the first method, keeping focused on your partner. I find myself interrupting a lot when I’m trying to get a thought out, but don’t notice that I am speaking over someone. It is a habit that I have gotten better at, and try to remain cognizant of.
Give personal space, but ask first
Some people just want to be alone, but others may want to share all about a bad day with the person they are closest to. If you aren’t completely sure which they are feeling, simply ask. Telling someone you will give them space may come off that you do not want to hear about their problems. Several times during our disagreements, one of us will ask if space is needed, but I notice that it is generally only when things get tense or one person is feeling combative. If things get too strained, it is best that someone calmly demand a “timeout.” I tried this when things weren’t as hostile for us both (only one, not both of us, were in a bad mood) because I wasn’t sure if he wanted to be alone & reflect or not. In this case, he did not want space, so I am glad I asked before leaving the room. It worked out, and we were able to talk it out.
What would make you feel better?
If you were feeling as low as your partner, what would make you feel better? What advice would you give yourself? When I’m having a bad day, or a bad attitude, I get entangled in my thoughts. I like to be around my partner, but I prefer things to be quiet at first. He usually knows how to overcome this obstacle. There are a few things that would make me feel better when I’m feeling down. If you need something quick and in the moment, try board games, a snack or indoor picnic, a cheesy comedy, or my favorite, get out! Go for a walk around the neighborhood, go for ice cream, an arcade, or a nature park. Nature is therapeutic.
We both LOVE nature, so this was my first thought to get both of our spirits up. If you need ideas, try these outdoors ideas or cheap everyday things that cost little to nothing. The picture above/below is from our impromptu date night out. I suggested that we go for a walk to change the mood, which I didn’t think he would be up for, but I was so happy when he said yes! I just wanted him to feel better, and by the end of the night, he was smiling. Not back to his normal self, but that takes time. We are both in search of something greater, and these down moments will happen until we reach those high periods in life.
go from a bad day to good day instantly
The next time one of you are having a bad day, try these techniques, and let me know how it went. ~Shá
Behind the Fog: The Peaks & Valleys of Life. 
You must be logged in to post a comment.