Tag Archives: friendship

Uncategorized Optimization

“It’s Too Late.” Says Who?

I’ve always been a bit introverted. I strongly believe that everyone has some level of being ambiverted. I had an ex who told me that it was too late for me to make friends. This was while I was a non-traditional college student trying my best to make connections. I believed him.

This caused me to latch on strongly to relationships because I felt that was all I had. I’ve only recently realized how untrue that was.

I admit, it was hard for me to find friends in high school or college who I connected with on a deeper level due to past trauma. I didn’t trust many people, and I still don’t. But, everyone is not the enemy. Everyone is not “fake” with false motives. Moreover, you can make friends with shared interests as an adult.

Granted, it does take effort and initiative. I felt a bit lost at first while I was single. I tried random events, forums, outings, etc. in my quest to develop something. Eventually, it did work!

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I gained a close friend group who I care about and vice versa. It made me realize the importance of “friends” and who will be there during the ups and downs.

I had a chat with one of those friends recently about how often this can also backfire. There is a particular friend who always disappears while in a relationship and returns when things don’t work out. It’s noticeable.

At some point, people will give up on you as being a genuine person. You will have no one to turn to once it fails (this does not mean that it will). However, I believe you should give 6 months to a year in a romantic relationship before you begin to prioritize your relationship over your friends. Even then, it is to balance your time with both.

The friend mentioned above blamed “work” as the reason for not being around as much, but we knew that was not true. The heavy workload only seemed to increase when the relationship was thriving. We were “missed” when things were not going well or ended.

This reminded me of myself. I certainly clung to my past partners and gave up on the idea of friends entirely. It’s healthy to have a friend group. It doesn’t have to be a large circle but someone other than a relative or romantic partner is essential to emotional wellbeing.

If you’re an introvert like me, I can feel your eye roll. I get it, but I urge you to consider ways to make a new connection that isn’t forceful or heavy-handed (ie, sending email, social media, and text blasts to hang out with people you have not spoken to in years). Let it flow naturally and see what comes of it.

That’s what will ultimately last.

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Optimize: Relationships

Hey, Stranger! Hey, Stranger. Hey, Stranger?

It’s that time of year. That awkward text message from an old “friend” that simply says “hey, stranger.” This alleged friend is now nothing more than an unknown phone number. So, what are you supposed to do with that??

I’ll start with my obvious frustration on this topic: the game.

This is when you politely state that you do not have the number saved, so the person decides to turn that into their personal entertainment. Clearly forgetting that they are the stranger.

It goes something like this:

  • Who do you think this is? *Winky face*
  • You don’t have my number saved??
  • Let me give you a hint…

During high school, I might have possibly engaged in responding out of boredom. Now, I either ignore it or block the number. If they truly know who you are, then they’ll figure out another way to reach you in a more appropriate way.

I don’t believe people realize how offensive “hey, stranger” is for the receiver. If you’re at the point that you’re calling someone “stranger,” what you presume is a joking way, then it’s certainly not funny, and you are definitely a stranger.

There are a hundred ways to track someone these days. Receiving this text message is even more demoralizing when you’ve seen this person take the time to post updates to “actual” strangers about work, media, food, relationships, vacations, and other interests.

Am I not as interesting as your bowl of cereal because the sun was shining just right on the table at the time you felt a need to share a photo of it (pouring it out anyway because it’s soggy now)?

Meaning: identify yourself! That simple. If I text someone whom I haven’t communicated with for a long while (months or years), or there wasn’t a [recent] close relationship, then at minimum I close the text with my initials.

I understand that people lose touch when life happens. However, nothing frustrates me more about the “hey, stranger” message than a bad excuse.

  • I’ve been busy
  • I’ve been working
  • I’ve been traveling

I’m just going to call it out. Everyone poops. Someone sending a “let’s catch up” text most likely eats, and sleeps sufficiently. It probably took about 10 seconds or less to write out, voice-to-text, or swipe that text message. If a billionaire CEO can make time, I’m sure little ol’ you can as well.

That being said, let’s hang up the busyness excuse. We’re all “busy,” but most of us want to appear, or simply feel, busier than we actually are.

Make time for your connections. I guarantee you have it. Ten minutes a year (and that’s being generous) is enough time to send a text blast to old friends. If you don’t have a few minutes or seconds for the folks saved in your phone, it’s time to delete them. Only add those that you find worthy of being a contact and reach out every 6-12 months.

It’s a great way to keep current and actually have something real to chat about.

This turns, “how have you been” into “the last time we chatted you mentioned ___, how’s that going?” You can even incorporate the “excuses” above: how was your vacation to __; what happened with that job you applied for?”

Each conversation will build upon the last and leave friends looking forward to hearing from you rather than sending you to voicemail, eye-rolling seeing your name pop up. Purposely asking “who is this?” just so you remember how unimportant you actually are.

Set an annual reminder if you’re truly that busy!

If you have time to send a vague holiday or birthday text once a year, then sending a personalized message any other day of the year when it isn’t so obligatory will add even more value and likely get a genuine response.

Compassion goes far. Slow down for the little things. Or don’t. But you might reflect on that if you make it to a natural old age death.

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