We’ve all been in, or know someone who has been, in a relationship with a partner who stands by protecting the platonic relationship because there is no physical attraction or flirtiness allegedly taking place. However, what about the emotional connection with someone else that steals away from your own relationship? How much of that emotional cheating is slowly breaking up with your partner? Let’s evaluate if it’s worth it for either partner.

It goes without saying that a relationship is already struggling if an outsider is able to cause the split. But also, not really. A breakup is complicated and difficult. Emotional cheating is especially risky because it may seem innocent and neither party (a partner or a friend) may even know it’s in full effect.

There are several ways that emotional cheating can start with a friend, and end a relationship; causing a very rough breakup.

There are no boundaries.

Setting agreeable boundaries in a relationship is essential, but not if it’s one-sided. You don’t want to cause the breakup by being jealous. There also needs to be trust, and an explanation, if there isn’t an agreement with your partner about their expectations or the breakup, will inevitably come sooner than later.

Discussing boundaries isn’t the same thing as a demand. Dictating your unrealistic beliefs is breakup territory. The entire conversation should be open and inviting. If one partner is overly enthusiastic about not agreeing, then go ahead and break it off now! Kidding. There should be a lot of follow-up questions about why they are so adamant about spending time alone with a friend of the opposite sex (I can only speak from a heterosexual point of view) without you around.

My suggestion to follow is don’t do anything with a friend that you would not do if your partner were present. If there is already an attraction to a friend, it would be reckless to put yourself in a vulnerable position. This is especially problematic if the friend is an ex. Boundaries are important for both sides. If it was a breakup between them then it wouldn’t be wise to be friends in the event that you end up as an ex. A pattern is ensuing.

You hold back from your partner.

If your partner refuses to let their full self out to you but purposely seeks that out in a specific friend, it is heading toward a breakup. The real conversation should be with your partner about why you can’t seem to talk to them and perhaps ask if they have thought about a breakup. While the topic of a breakup is uncomfortable, it is better to know where you stand than for it to be a surprise. Maybe they…

• Always interrupts
• Is dismissive
• Doesn’t pay attention
• Changes the subject
• Doesn’t show interest
• Gets easily distracted

If you aren’t respectful to a partner, it makes complete sense why they would be easily swayed to begin emotional cheating and lean towards a breakup.

They don’t see your potential.

If a partner does not see your potential, they seek it out in someone else. How can you show your potential to your partner? If you hold back from your partner by showing the characteristics above then naturally they are looking for something that they believe is missing. However, if you have to constantly prove yourself then maybe it’s worth the breakup. The more they notice that something is missing, the more powerful the urge to have it gets. This can ultimately lead to resentment and disgust, which turns into arguments, resistance, and a breakup.

These are just a few of the initial signs that were already there. You shouldn’t have to constantly find ways to show your potential. At the beginning of the relationship, your partner accepted you for you, so for that to now lack, means you were probably a shiny object that they have grown tired of. Don’t ignore the signs. If a partner stops confiding in you, they are either hiding it very well, or they are already investing that time into someone or something else (a journal, for example).

What are the verbal and non-verbal signs to look for?

A breakup usually does not come out of nowhere (unless a growing factor forced an impulsive decision). It builds or it was pre-planned. Here are a few signs that it’s coming.

• They become distant
• They lose interest in doing things you used to do together but continue to do those activities with others
• They spend more time away or make excuses to do so
• They express excitement in hanging out with others but not with you
• They rarely talk about anything meaningful
• There is no physical interest
• They stop sleeping in the same bed and/or avoid shared spaces (like a bathroom)
• There is rarely laughter between you
• You’re disgusted by their touch or vice versa
• They ignore your ideas and suggestions to bond or communicate
• You get the point.

This doesn’t necessarily mean these things are happening with someone else, but it is a real possibility that a breakup is near. If the breakup has already happened in their mind, it’s over. You can do everything you could possibly think of to prevent the breakup, but it will be a fruitless effort in most cases. While you can try to save it, this would be a difficult task anyway given that they’ve put you at a disadvantage by getting a head start by emotionally breaking up with you. It may be obvious when this emotional breakup started but who knows how long it has actually taken place? Months, years? How far of a disadvantage would that put you at?

So, now for the emotional part.

Think about the closest friend of your partner (or ex-partner) of the opposite sex. What was the connection? Was their weirdness if you were around? Did they avoid speaking to that person if you were nearby and act awkward when you were? How do they bond in ways that you can’t? It’s interesting how we tend to break up with a partner when they don’t meet our needs [anymore] but rarely do so with relatives or friends, who generally disappoint us even more for a longer period of time!

I don’t encourage invading someone’s privacy (unless you’re 100% certain there’s a valid reason to do so), but there are compromises to work around this. It can’t all be on your partner. If you want to see their phone, journal, or emails, you should offer up yours as well before scrubbing it of anything you don’t want them to see. The outcome could be a quicker breakup if they see your dishonesty in a moment of truth.

Think about how you motivate each other. Really motivate each other. Not short “how’s was work” or “how’s that project you going that you were working on.” I mean really motivating each other. Pushing each other. Showing genuine interest and not recycled daily responses.

Now, if they constantly try to hide their phone or you frequently see them archiving messages when they think you aren’t looking, then it might be worth a bigger conversation. That might be a good time to get candid and just ask if they are breaking up with you (and maybe you should consider if you should be breaking up with them).

If you really love your partner but they have already checked out of the relationship, what can you do to emotionally cheat with them? Yes, that’s what I meant. By that, I’m saying to be the other person! I don’t mean to change who you are, but I do think if you want to save it from a breakup before the breakup happens then you will need to compromise on being dismissive, losing interest in what they say, etc. Find out what’s important to them and think about what ways you could contribute to that effort.

Allow them to fully want you (again) before that journey starts with someone else. Once it starts, there’s nothing you can do to change the outcome. In particular, people love new things. You aren’t new anymore until after the breakup. If someone has already caught their attention prior to the breakup, unfortunately, even if you convince them to reconsider a breakup they will likely still want that new toy. It’d take six months to a year before you become remotely new to that person again after the breakup.

If it’s true love, if there were ever such a thing, they will try and you will try harder. If the love is already lost, you’d better begin to make a checklist of all the things you hated in that partner before the breakup, during the breakup, and after the breakup, so that you can avoid them with future partners moving forward. Not in a bad way, but making a deal-breaker checklist would save you both time, energy, money, and from a bad emotional investment.

Have you had someone emotionally cheat on you? Have you been the emotional cheater? What was the validity of your reason? What was theirs? Subscribe & share your explanation below.