If you have recently perused dating sites, you have come across profiles that mention ENM. What is ethical, of course, depends on what relationship standards are set between all parties involved. Is it truly possible to be “happy” if you’re seeking fulfillment in others on a public dating forum?
Continue reading “Ethical” Non-Monogamy (ENM): How Morally Correct is Non-Monogamy?Tag Archives: Dating
Six Immediate Ideas to Apply if Your Partner is Having a Bad Day
“I could walk a mile in your shoes, but I already know they’re just as uncomfortable as mine. Let’s walk next to each other instead…”
Relationships are not always perfect, and there can be really bad times that need suggestions to help a significant other. But how do relationships handle being in a great mood when a partner isn’t? This can cause friction right away, and leave you at a loss as to what to do during that moment. I have a lot of mood swings that my boyfriend handles very well, and it is not often that the tables are turned. Below are six ways that we went from what could have become not speaking until someone apologized, to a wonderful impromptu date night out. Try reading this article about “how to manage your partner’s bad moods.” There are helpful tips to identify what to look for in your partner, and yourself during these mishaps.
Keep the focus on them
Many times we think we are being helpful by bringing up how bad our own day was. This may come off as insensitive, and quickly lead to a misunderstanding. Always keep the focus on your partner. They entrusted you enough to share a dark time, so the fair thing to do would be to keep things positive, and truly concentrate on what is being said. Watch for mannerisms, body movement, keywords, and tone. If you notice that things are escalating or becoming confrontational, offer to continue the conversation once both of you are calm, and able to control flaring tempers.
Think before you speak
This may seem obvious, but many times we become instantly defensive when it feels like a personal attack, when something may not have been intended that way. Take a moment to think about what was just said, process it, and then speak once you are clear about what you intend to say. There will be heavy emotions when someone is having a bad day. I was very excited to see my partner yesterday, and I was in one of the best moods that I have been in for quite some time during the work week. I was ready to share how work went, and how my weekly goals were coming along, but I knew straight away that he was not his normal self once I saw the expression on his face. I had to put everything that I was feeling and wanted to share on pause. I knew we would have the opportunity to talk about it later, but it did become about what he was feeling. It certainly caught me off-guard, so there were several moments that I had to change my conduct.
Keep out personal judgement
It may not always be purposely, but go back to the previous point. Think about what it is that you are saying, your tone of voice, and how someone may perceive it. Does it come off as judgmental? I tend to get a very high tone when I speak in passion, but to others, that comes off as aggressive. I notice that other people do this as well, even the same people that complain about it. Now that I have more awareness that this happens, I make them aware, also. Simply by saying, “I notice your tone is getting really loud.” This happens more with my mom than anyone else, but it is just because she is excited about the topic, and doesn’t realize that she is doing it.
Another trait of being human is that we can’t always control our facial expressions. This could come off as critical. Put together with tone, this is disaster. This is also why it is essential to listen, and only offer feedback once there is a pause break, and once the person has finished their thought. Offering advice too soon may result in a quick rebuttal if you haven’t allowed all information to come out yet. But, again, be sure that this is the time to add a comment, or if you should wait until the timing is better. This goes right into the next element.
attention or advance
Offer your full attention, and determine if this is the right moment to advance opinions. If you aren’t the type of person who is good at listening, try reading about ways to improve this skill. A few similar tips that the author suggest are: stay focused on the moment, do not interrupt, LISTEN, be fair, empathize, and ask your partner for feedback about your conversations. I never put much thought into the last one, but it is something that many couples probably don’t do enough of. If you’re with your partner most of the time, then they would be the right person to ask, but be sure it isn’t biased (it will be to some degree). All of this goes back to the first method, keeping focused on your partner. I find myself interrupting a lot when I’m trying to get a thought out, but don’t notice that I am speaking over someone. It is a habit that I have gotten better at, and try to remain cognizant of.
Give personal space, but ask first
Some people just want to be alone, but others may want to share all about a bad day with the person they are closest to. If you aren’t completely sure which they are feeling, simply ask. Telling someone you will give them space may come off that you do not want to hear about their problems. Several times during our disagreements, one of us will ask if space is needed, but I notice that it is generally only when things get tense or one person is feeling combative. If things get too strained, it is best that someone calmly demand a “timeout.” I tried this when things weren’t as hostile for us both (only one, not both of us, were in a bad mood) because I wasn’t sure if he wanted to be alone & reflect or not. In this case, he did not want space, so I am glad I asked before leaving the room. It worked out, and we were able to talk it out.
What would make you feel better?
If you were feeling as low as your partner, what would make you feel better? What advice would you give yourself? When I’m having a bad day, or a bad attitude, I get entangled in my thoughts. I like to be around my partner, but I prefer things to be quiet at first. He usually knows how to overcome this obstacle. There are a few things that would make me feel better when I’m feeling down. If you need something quick and in the moment, try board games, a snack or indoor picnic, a cheesy comedy, or my favorite, get out! Go for a walk around the neighborhood, go for ice cream, an arcade, or a nature park. Nature is therapeutic.
We both LOVE nature, so this was my first thought to get both of our spirits up. If you need ideas, try these outdoors ideas or cheap everyday things that cost little to nothing. The picture above/below is from our impromptu date night out. I suggested that we go for a walk to change the mood, which I didn’t think he would be up for, but I was so happy when he said yes! I just wanted him to feel better, and by the end of the night, he was smiling. Not back to his normal self, but that takes time. We are both in search of something greater, and these down moments will happen until we reach those high periods in life.
go from a bad day to good day instantly
The next time one of you are having a bad day, try these techniques, and let me know how it went. ~Shá
Meet Shá: Author of “Behind the Fog.”
Travel. Your money will return, your time won’t.
~Unknown.
What are we doing with most of our time? I have to ask myself this a lot, and my conclusion is always, “not enough.” My primary debacle comes from my expectations of others, and expectations of myself. People make it seem that wanting to enjoy your own life is a sin. It is your to do what you please, and live as you wish. I LOVE to travel and explore new places. Primarily “off the beaten path” places that are not tourist hubs. Those can be interesting, but it is not where I would spend most of my trip. This is actually putting my dreams at a slow pace, as I can only take 1-2 vacations per year, which is never nearly enough. As you may have gathered, I love to travel! I want to connect with others who share that passion, and learn more about what those lives are like. I am still discovering a career path that will allow this more.
About five years ago, I had a breakup with my then boyfriend. After that moment, I was introduced to online dating, something I was completely opposed to, in what I found to be the most rational sense. There were several things that I learned from that relationship, as we all do, but mostly that online does offer the opportunity to say upfront exactly what you want before the date. Of course, people tend to fudge who they are for the sake of a simple reply, but I was hopeful that my profile would be boring enough to attract similar personalities. It worked, to some degree, but I was flooded with responses from [literally] hundreds of men because of my “good girl” demeanor. I will get more into this in the future, but my point is that I wanted to find someone who shared my love for travel, and “the little things.”
I ultimately did begin dating someone, who I am still with, but we have different interests in our preferences, that we are always talking through to understand each other more. He loves to learn, and I love to travel. The only way for our worlds to meet is by me learning while traveling. I do not find reading a textbook or sitting in front of a computer to be fulfilling or compelling; that is my day job. I don’t just want to read about it, I want to see it, and touch it, whenever possible. I want to deeply feel it, and not just have an interesting fact to share during conversations with friends or strangers.
I want to share experiences, not knowledge that is useless until a lunch date. I am a visual learner, so show me don’t tell me. A 2013 survey by the US Travel Association found that 94% of couples that travel together felt closer, as opposed to 86% of couples that did not feel closer and didn’t travel together. The survey found that most of couples who traveled found this to be a bond to “spend alone time together” and “are more likely to communicate well.” The survey linked the below statistics to igniting intimacy, long-term benefits, and maintaining a relationship.
- 86% of travelers believe romance is still alive.
- 63% rate vacation as important to sparking romance.
- 68% found travel necessary to maintaining a healthy relationship.
I, too, agree with these facts for the same reason that I agree with the concept of the holidays that we all hate. Yes, it has become commercial propaganda, but the initial reasons (if you ever have time to look up why some of these were created) had good intentions.
I have been off of social media for about four years now, but the main thing I hated to read was “I treat her like the queen she is every day, but Happy Mother’s Day to my wife.” You and your wife both know that isn’t true, and holidays are just a reminder of the things we tend to forget. For the 1% that don’t put on a sham, kudos! If you are opposed to holidays, then choose another day each month or every few months just to treat someone special that you would otherwise forget I will share in the future what we have done to get around this obstacle). It isn’t often that a partner sends flowers, or gives roses until said holidays arrive.
Traveling is a great way to fill in those gaps. It is a way to bond when life gets in the way of that closeness, and it is truly the only way that you can focus on each other with no distractions. You can attempt to do this from home, but often times something else comes up (television, video games, cooking for lunch/dinner & not pleasure or a romantic evening, cleaning, emails, and all of the other unsexy things that we do each day). I fully support and commend couples that have discovered this secret, and made it work for them. In a future post, I will talk about what it has been like to be in a relationship when that passion for something isn’t fully shared. He does enjoy our trips when we do go, but it isn’t high on his priority list, as it is for me.
Travel has transformed me. It is a relief drug. It drives me to an all-time high. As much as I love to travel, it does not define me wholly. When I am not able to travel, I love to be outdoors, especially in nature.
Nature is like a home vacation. I am always looking for new places, and things to do. Luckily, this is something that is a necessity for us both in my relationship. The sound, smell, and identity of nature, all of it stimulates me. In particular, I enjoy the sight of water. This may seem odd, but it is so invigorating and captivating. Enough adjectives, but I hope you can understand and relate the feelings that it brings me. I have an obsession with everything water: waterfalls, rivers, oceans, rain, streams, the toilet flushing, the faucet running, and on and on. It’s a quirk of my personality, and waterfalls are a must-see when I visit any place. I sleep to the sound of water each night with an app. These are the main things that bring me calmness and joy.
I have watched several relatives get older in their long-term relationships, and begin making travel plans or trying new things after the kids are older. Why wait until you are frail, slow, sick, insecure (I am not saying that is the case with everyone, but in this case, they are). I refuse to let life pass me by, and I continue to seek adventure! Once the last trip ends, planning for the next is in full swing. I have always hoped to share that with someone special.
A few other fun facts about me: I will mention my boyfriend often, and we are deciding if we should begin a YouTube channel together, as another platform to bring us closer. We have a lot of candid moments that could bring happiness to others.I enjoy independent films that relate to me, or real life in general.
My favorite animal is the elephant, but I also love cats, horses, and small dogs . I don’t have a typical “favorite” color, if at all, but if I had to choose, it would be brown, orange, or blueish. As mentioned, I love to make and try new foods, but mostly for others to try it (i.e. my boyfriend or parents). I am not a huge fan of music (that does not mean I do not enjoy it), but when I do listen, I like very melancholic or dramatic sounds. I have wanted to learn the guitar for a few years, but my motivation has not been strong enough to remain consistent. Each time I hear an acoustic riff, I begin to research chords again. I haven’t given up on it completely, but I just need to find a balance of practice.
The majority (if not all) pictures on my site are mine or belong to my partner, using the Google Pixel (1 & 2). I try to avoid any pictures that aren’t, but if I do use something from another person, it will be credited as such, and clearly stated. Each blog will be a new learning experience, as this is uncharted territory.
I have put off blogging for a few years, but have been adding to my outline of it for the same amount of time. I am ready to share my progress, and stick with it! I think of blogging as a safe place to share thoughts, ideas, and honesty.
Blogging is an escape from the “real” world. It is nice to be able to share things with others’ who may have the same feelings. Things that a relative or person in everyday life will never understand. We can all optimize each others lives by keeping our “social” [media] selves honest. I look forward to exploring, optimizing together! I do not want to become quickly jaded, so I am still working on my plan to hold myself accountable. There’s so much more to tell! But, I will save the rest for the blog. Thanks for reading, and until next time…
Behind the Fog: The Peaks & Valleys of Life. 
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