If you have recently perused dating sites, you have come across profiles that mention ENM. What is ethical, of course, depends on what relationship standards are set between all parties involved. Is it truly possible to be “happy” if you’re seeking fulfillment in others on a public dating forum?

I am newly single but I want to begin by saying I’m not judging. I have been in a past relationship and suggested the idea of an open relationship (is there a difference). However, based on the parameters that I set for my profile, it did make me question how ethical these accounts were. In addition, when I suggested an open relationship during my own romance, it was very much because something was missing. Read ahead and subscribe below!

These profiles tend to claim that they are happy but there’s no possibility of that being true if you’re willing to openly state that you’re looking for an actual relationship, not merely something casual or playful sexy banter.

These assumptions are based on my personal experience with the topic. I’ll give my firsthand perspective.

Years ago I was in a very toxic relationship with someone whom I loved for all of the wrong reasons: he was very attractive, suave, always smelled good, had the body of a model, was in a fraternity, never needed reminders about a haircut, dressed to perfection, and I was proud to be seen with him.

What did you notice about that description? Not much described his personality. Don’t get me wrong, he stole any room that we walked into with his looks alone. The whole, “every girl wants him and every guy wants to be him” thing.

As you could imagine, the every girl wants him became the issue. It should have been obvious because we rarely went places together. Unless it was a club (which was not my scene) or a party. We were in our twenties at the time.

When we would go to these clubs, he always had to be in the VIP section to impress the frat and women. Most of the time, he did not want me there. Which I was fine with until I realized why, but we’ll get to that later.

I was blinded by the illusion of love. While I did not like the parties much, he would often visit me after his night out and was drunk 100% of the time. I quickly realized that he was an alcoholic. Being the naïve and stupid girl that I was to be dating someone like him, I knew that it was inevitable that he was either cheating or going to do so soon. This was based on his behavior when we were together.

I thought the best way to get in front of that was to make him an offer. I suggested that he could see other women. My “ethical” way of handling it.

His biggest concern at that moment was not that he no longer needed to lie about the women he was sleeping around with, but that I would be seeing other men. That thought damaged his ego. I had no intention of doing the same. I wanted us to still be together and in my mind, he would no longer have to cheat. Fast forward. We were together for over a year before he got a female friend pregnant.

Every story isn’t as sad as mine, but it does make me wonder how many are. Some are worse.

How many [wo]men agree to this situation to avoid loneliness? The reality is, even if someone is allegedly happy in their monogamous relationship, there is something missing that is being sought after in another.

That could be something physical, emotional, comforting, fun, or whatever else is missing from the person you love. This part can’t be denied. This doesn’t mean you are no longer in love, but what if your partner doesn’t agree to this new setup? Would you still be happy then? Every profile that I’ve come across that’s ENM mentions being happy with smiling photos of the couple and a few shirtless pictures for good measure.

Could this be the new standard? Or, maybe not so new as our ancestors were non-monogamous long before claimed it to be ethical.

The obvious obstacles are jealousy, timeline (is this long-term, short-term, temporary, one-time), boundaries, and consensus. True agreement. Not just agreeing because your partner suggested it. It can truly be hurtful for someone to bring this up whom you love and whose needs you thought you were enough to fulfill.

Do it for the right reasons. If you can’t fathom anything right about this scenario, then this needs to be a bigger conversation because now you know with certainty that your partner feels something is missing that they want in someone else.

Protect the privacy of yourself and those affiliated with you.

• Someone can look you up by simply knowing your first name and occupation or a combination of things listed on your profile.
• You can easily be found by a photo search. With so many scams, someone could result to blackmail or simply a heinous attempt to ruin you.
• Do not use the faces of anyone who has not consented, especially when your profile is for ENM, something casual, or anything else that could be controversial or embarrassing/questionable to someone else without their knowledge.
• If you post an email, phone number, or social media, it should not be linked to you personally. These days, that information can be Googled and give someone access to your home address, phone number, and relatives within seconds.

My last take on this. Dating sites are very public. Even if deleted, the information is out there. Sure, you can deny that it’s you and we’d like to believe our relatives, friends, and colleagues never see this but…they do. They may not swipe right or even mention it to you directly (awkward) but they definitely see it and they are definitely judging and talking to others about it.

ENM is ethical to at least one person in the relationship. There are consequences if it is “approved” or if it isn’t. Either way, one or both (or several) people will be emotionally changed.

Use caution. Physically and mentally. This doesn’t just impact you.

Good luck!