Tag Archives: Growth

Uncategorized Optimization

“It’s Too Late.” Says Who?

I’ve always been a bit introverted. I strongly believe that everyone has some level of being ambiverted. I had an ex who told me that it was too late for me to make friends. This was while I was a non-traditional college student trying my best to make connections. I believed him.

This caused me to latch on strongly to relationships because I felt that was all I had. I’ve only recently realized how untrue that was.

I admit, it was hard for me to find friends in high school or college who I connected with on a deeper level due to past trauma. I didn’t trust many people, and I still don’t. But, everyone is not the enemy. Everyone is not “fake” with false motives. Moreover, you can make friends with shared interests as an adult.

Granted, it does take effort and initiative. I felt a bit lost at first while I was single. I tried random events, forums, outings, etc. in my quest to develop something. Eventually, it did work!

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I gained a close friend group who I care about and vice versa. It made me realize the importance of “friends” and who will be there during the ups and downs.

I had a chat with one of those friends recently about how often this can also backfire. There is a particular friend who always disappears while in a relationship and returns when things don’t work out. It’s noticeable.

At some point, people will give up on you as being a genuine person. You will have no one to turn to once it fails (this does not mean that it will). However, I believe you should give 6 months to a year in a romantic relationship before you begin to prioritize your relationship over your friends. Even then, it is to balance your time with both.

The friend mentioned above blamed “work” as the reason for not being around as much, but we knew that was not true. The heavy workload only seemed to increase when the relationship was thriving. We were “missed” when things were not going well or ended.

This reminded me of myself. I certainly clung to my past partners and gave up on the idea of friends entirely. It’s healthy to have a friend group. It doesn’t have to be a large circle but someone other than a relative or romantic partner is essential to emotional wellbeing.

If you’re an introvert like me, I can feel your eye roll. I get it, but I urge you to consider ways to make a new connection that isn’t forceful or heavy-handed (ie, sending email, social media, and text blasts to hang out with people you have not spoken to in years). Let it flow naturally and see what comes of it.

That’s what will ultimately last.

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My Personal Optimization, Optimize: Relationships, Optimize: Work

Doubt Words: What Are Those?

Self-doubt is the negativity that we harshly express toward ourselves, but this can easily rub off on others. We talk ourselves out of our own capabilities, and in turn, by sharing this with others, they begin to question their own ability. How common is this? In particular, in the workplace or at home.

Continue reading Doubt Words: What Are Those? →
My Personal Optimization, Optimize: Health, Optimize: Relationships

When Do You Pull the Plug?

You’ve been in severe pain and no form of advice, remedies, medication, meditation, or just about anything else seems to help. You feel deceived by all the times you were told everything will be alright; just give it some time, things will get better, and everything will work itself out. More like: things people say when they have nothing to say. It’s much easier to admit that I wish I knew what you were going through. I can listen if you’d like.

Continue reading When Do You Pull the Plug? →
My Personal Optimization, Optimize: Relationships

Romance Yourself

“Treat yourself as if you already are enough. Walk as if you are enough. Eat as if you are enough. See, look, listen as if you are enough. Because it’s true.“
When was the last time you bought yourself something for a reason? Meaning, giving yourself a reward for a job well done. Adding incentives to those mini wins. 
 
It’s something I haven’t done enough. It’s encouraged by just about every habit book out there. We say that sounds like a great idea, I should start doing that. Then we don’t. 
 
Part of the problem is that we feel guilty about celebrating our wins. Giving oneself kudos feels like bragging about your accomplishments, which somehow rubs others the wrong way. This is also the issue. When we share with someone, we want them to say the typical well-done, pat on the back, and ice cream of your choice before it’s forgotten. But, you haven’t forgotten. Now you’re more frustrated that you aren’t being celebrated more. 
 
So? Celebrate yourself! Think of just five wins that you’ve had today, even if it hasn’t been the best day. Here are a few of mine: 
  • Started a new book and read over 30 pages; increased my daily reading goal to 60 pages. 
  • Completed a yoga class twice in one week. 
  • Completed all of the chores that I’ve put off from the previous week. 
  • Posted a review to my book club chat. 
  • Found a new strategy at work to make things more efficient. 
The points above are just about meaningless to anyone that just read it. BUT, they are all big and little achievements to me. It certainly is nice for someone to acknowledge that these things are important to me, but I’d have to also expect the same in return. Everyone has some sort of list of wins. 
 
Reflect on what yours are. What is one thing from that list that could be improved? Try it out, and reward yourself for implementation, effort, and consistency. 
 
It doesn’t have to cost money, either. Reward yourself with something that you never do, but have wanted to. For me, I love being outdoors (I do hate the cold, though!). A reward could be going for a short walk. Actually, going for the walk would be another win, as that is something I want more of in my routine. 
 
Your turn! Write out five wins from the day, and five inexpensive wins you could treat yourself with. 

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Optimize: Health, Optimize: Relationships, Optimize: Work

One Moment: I’m Busy With My Busyness

The infamous, “I’ve been busy.” The phrase we all hate to hear, but the number one expression we love to use- in times of need. 

What is busyness? It’s just as it sounds, staying busy.  However, it has become more and more abused, and a top excuse for those who want to appear busy. 


I am certainly not saying people don’t get busy, but I am saying being busy is circumstantial. Just about any customer-focused professional knows that this is the number one excuse. In some regard, it also makes the person saying it feel more powerful, useful even. It gives the entitlement that someone needs you in the world, and that has made you too needed for *insert friend, relative, tasks here.* 


Let’s think about all of the things that we’re not too busy with: eating, social media, intimacy, games, travel, going out (these are only examples, and completely biased). Our busyness usually comes into full swing when it’s something we absolutely dread that we will have to become busy with, even if it only lasts a matter of seconds or minutes. 


Think of the last time someone has said this to you. What were you asking of them? What was the reason?  It could be the most basic requests (in your mind): 

  • How have you been? 
  • How is work going? 
  • I haven’t heard from you for a while? 
  • You didn’t call me back…
  • How is that project you were working on? 
  • What about those goals you set two years ago? 
  • Checking in on a relative…
  • When will you be finishing that book you started? 
  • …this list could go on forever. Everyone reading this has 10 more things to add for every sentence that was read. 

Are these excuses, genuine, insecurity, neediness (feeling important at the moment), or deception? 


Start by asking yourself how quickly you answered the question with a “busy” reply. For example: How have you been? Just busy, as always. How so? Work, you know, the usual. How is work keeping you busy? Well, it’s work…the usual. 

If work is the usual, should that even be part of your busyness? That’s an expectation. What about after work? What about when you sit on the toilet for 10 minutes with a phone in your hand scrolling Facebook?

What about while you’re waiting for the pot to boil for your pot of noodles? Or, waiting for the gas to finish pumping? These are all moments, even if small, that could be used to reach out to a friend, relative, or read something engaging instead of…scrolling. *cringe* 


Something I have incorporated into my routine more is reading. Not regular reading, because I read a LOT, but the moments when your brain is turned off. I found myself awake at night unable to sleep and…scrolling. There was nothing engaging about these articles, the news, and I’m not on social media. I installed a game, but it did not fulfill me. 


So, if I love reading, why only do it when the lights are on. I could use that time for something beneficial. I downloaded eBooks (audiobooks could work as well if you are into that), and I considered this a nighttime read. Even if I really enjoyed the book, I would only read it when I knew I would be awake at night. 


I also used this time to schedule text messages or chats. Of course, you do not want to randomly text someone at 2 a.m. So, if there was someone on my mind I scheduled the message to send during regular hours. That way, busyness is not intercepting as an excuse, as you are already awake. Do something productive! 


Instead of thinking about all of the things you could be doing, do them! This could even help you get back to sleep. Clean, cook, all of the things you are too busy for, but society says you should only do during certain times of the day. 


Own your busyness! If you are going to be busy, truly be busy! Do not excuse yourself from the people that are important or the goals you could have achieved months ago. At least try it before deciding you aren’t capable of it. I’d say give it a minimum of seven consecutive days before giving up (don’t be a giver-upper!). 


I do hope you start this challenge with me, or at least really think about that response before you ever say it to someone again. The next time someone says it to you, challenge them about their busyness (again, they may be truly busy). If it is an auto-reply, it is probably not authentic.  


Happy reading (or whatever you choose to fulfill those little moments)! 

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My Personal Optimization, Optimize: Work

What is My Motivation?

I am still figuring that out, and there is no shame in that.

I was recently asked, “what motivates you?” “Don’t you have anything that makes you feel calm?” The truth is, I once did, and now I am in the process of rediscovering that “something.” I used to be able to say “I love horror fiction, writing, reading, watching independent films, and human resources.” While most of this is still true, it isn’t in the same light that it was. My entire life was built upon what can I do to add to my resume next? I would join college organizations, volunteer to help people, and work on internships. Was any of this defining me, or was I simply living up to what society’s standards are of what a “good” person should feel.

In high school, I was still under the impression that “you can be anything that you set your mind to.” If only I knew how true that wasn’t. I do not want that to come off as negative, but there is certainly fine print in it, which is never mentioned. No one told me that if I wanted to be a writer then my script would need to fall in the lap of the right publisher. No one mentioned that if I wanted to write films then I would need to move to Hollywood to become recognized. No one brought up that you will need to apply for 100 jobs, and be lucky if you get five call backs, and one interview. It’s so much easier to give advice with no real solutions. We’re so used to asking “how are you?” Yet, we’re never prepared for, “I’m not doing well.” The response next is usually, “that’s too bad, I hope you feel better.” Carry on. It’s a bit difficult to get motivated when people only want to hear the good, but don’t care much about the bad if it’s anything other than just hearing about the problem.

I’ve discovered that travel is what motivates me most. It isn’t just about getting away from the depression of the job I’m stuck in, or having a routine life, but new things excite me in an indescribable way. There are so many things out there that I know exist, but have never seen. I have read about, and have written about, but how do I know it is really there? Of course, I know it is there because hundreds of people have done the same. But those things haven’t been seen with these eyes. There is no fear in personal fulfillment, and travel is mine.

Travel allows us to experience a new culture, and see things from a new perspective. This doesn’t have to be anything that cost an abundance of money, either. You can travel right from your hometown. There are so many things right where we are that we don’t know exist. Only a few months ago, I discovered that we have an underground cave with rock climbing! That one obviously cost money, but we also found a really neat dam not far from my job that was a replica of my passion for waterfalls. Nature is my second love to travel, particularly scenes of water. I also really enjoy trying new foods, so I am always looking up new recipes and buying a new seasoning that I didn’t know existed. This doesn’t always turn out as planned, but I do enjoy it for the sake of letting others’ try something new that I made.

I still enjoy reading, but not like I once did. In high school, you could not catch me without a book or journal in hand. It wasn’t until I got to college that I realized it wasn’t as enjoyable as it once was. That was scary. Why? Because if I was no longer the reader, the writer, the girl with potential, then who was I? Even now, I know for certain that I am not the 9-5 type, and I would do perfectly well on a secluded island that is technology free. As long as I am surrounded by water, large trees, and people (optional, I am comfortable being alone) who appreciate nature in the same way, then the world would be perfect.

That being said, knowing that there is so much out there that is yet to be experienced, discovered, is what motivates me. Knowing that there is more out there than financial gain, and that there might still be good people out there who also appreciate culture. When I was young, I wanted to be an archaeologist so bad. I was told by my father that it would be a horrible career move because we were not in a position that I could travel or make any real money from it. If only I were more educated on what that meant, then I would have ignored him and went for it. I took it so seriously that I started to study hieroglyphs, and actually got really good at it, before giving up and living down to my ability. I still love everything about ancient [Egyptian] culture, and would love to learn the things that I was deterred from. I no longer remember much of what I studied, and I am not using any of my college degree’s towards anything meaningful, so I may as well have went the direction of something I loved.

While I know that I can’t just go out and become an archaeologist now, and I know for sure now that HR is not an option for me, I am still figuring myself out. I want to be able to love something for no other reason than simply loving it. Not for money, or because the hours or benefits are great and I might be lucky enough to get two weeks of vacation off if I save it well enough, but because I truly have a drive for it. I will continue to reflect on this. 

Background on the picture above.

The picture above was taken during an exploration of looking for fireworks on the fourth of July. We were trying to find the highest point in our city that would offer the best view. While we never did find a “great” spot, the journey to do so was much more exhilarating. We found a marsh (these are so fascinating), what looked like a secret government spot, and a ton of hazard/KEEP OUT signs. But, all in good fun!

My Personal Optimization

What is “Behind the Fog?”

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

~Plato.

Fog is ominous. There is a deep mystery behind it that allows us to write our own story. It might be a horror story like John Carpenter’s 1980 flick “The Fog,” or it might be the next breakthrough in science to save the world. What one considers to be negative, another may consider thrilling. I love the thought of the “not knowing,” but Behind the Fog is much more than either of these because it may be found within each individual.

What is behind my fog? If only there were an easy answer to this, but we also tend to make things more complex in our heads. Which, like many others, is one of the main things behind my fog. I get trapped in my thoughts more often than not, and it can cause a strain in “real” life. At this point, you may have realized that fog is purely metaphorical for our own conscience. Think about what that means for you.

The objective here is not to simply recognize what your fog is in order to tackle it overnight. That would not be realistic. It may not even be something that needs to be tackled, at least right this moment. There does, however, need to be self-awareness. Know what is behind your fog so that there are no surprises, especially if someone close recognizes it before you do.

Here are the main objectives for identifying what is behind your fog:

  • Self- awareness.
  • What are the peaks in your life right now? It’s a cliché question, but what makes you happy. I do not mean what you think sounds politically correct as an answer, but what truly makes you smile when no one is around?
  • What are your valleys? This may be more difficult to address because it will bring up a lot of emotional negativity. I find myself being aware of these often at work. I will address these in future posts. Right now, it’s all about you, and finding your own self-awareness so you can follow me on this journey!
  • How can you optimize your life based on those listed above? What would ease these feelings in an instant? For me, it is travel, nature, and being outdoors. Please list anything but money!

Think about all of this, and what you plan to accomplish from it. No action aside from making a list of your awareness; identifying what is behind your fog. Once that fog clears, what will you see? Is it not better to already know what is hiding there now so you can expect it? Do not be afraid of who you are. I will continue to reiterate this, but this is all about your own thoughts, and not what seems like the right answer. If you are embarrassed or ashamed of what it might look like written down, then only think about it. Honesty is the objective. If you can only be honest with yourself, then complete this when you are alone.

I hope to connect with others that constantly think about these same conceptions. I find myself writing about these in my journal often, but even then, I leave things out in case it is ever found. No one can judge you in your own mind, so take this seriously when generating your list, and I will do the same.

2017, Colorado. Taking a hike up Pike’s Peak.