You’ve been in severe pain and no form of advice, remedies, medication, meditation, or just about anything else seems to help. You feel deceived by all the times you were told everything will be alright; just give it some time, things will get better, and everything will work itself out. More like: things people say when they have nothing to say. It’s much easier to admit that I wish I knew what you were going through. I can listen if you’d like.

No, I’m not referring to death, to some degree. What happens when you’re nearing the death of your relationship? You spend hours thinking about what you could have done differently, and where everything went wrong. Why didn’t you notice sooner? Is it too late to turn this around? It’s never too late! Another awful phrase that displays a lack of understanding or trying to.

But, bashing those that make up words of encouragement to feel useful isn’t the point I’m going for. I ponder what can you truly do when you know you’re nearing the end? What signs do you look for? What compromises do you make? What communication is essential? Is there still a chance for recovery? Do you still love one another? Have you ever loved each other?

I’ll start there: evaluate the overall relationship.

It can be difficult to look within, as cliche as that might sound, and easily place the blame on the other person. While they very well could be impacting how you invest in the relationship, it’s still worth looking at what you have done, or haven’t done so far. Paying attention to the warning signs of what your partner has asked of you can be a good starting point. If you aren’t comfortable with what is being asked, communicate that. One of the biggest failure points in communication is simply assuming. Which is one of my biggest peeves professionally and romantically. If you aren’t sure what it means to assume then you can identify this by noticing when conversations include: I thought, you seemed, I guessed, I didn’t know…

Of course, you didn’t know something, why would you! Think of how many better moments you could have had by addressing those presumptions sooner.

Signs that you’re in trouble.

When the communication has come to a full halt then there might be something else going on. That doesn’t mean there is another person involved. When things start to go downhill, it’s easy to become mentally drained and give up. That’s why communication is so crucial. This is a good time to revisit your relationship goals expectations. If you disagree with your partner’s logic, take a moment to breathe and understand why they feel this way, or simply ASK. Remember, no assuming. Even if you are pretty certain, hearing them out gives you a chance to learn how they think.

If behaviors are beginning to change then that may also be a concrete indicator. For example, no more date nights, more time is being spent staring into the souls of social media “friends” than each other, things you used to enjoy don’t get discussed (like vacations or game nights), you don’t cook together or go for walks. These are all just examples. If there are specific things that have stopped for you then notice what those are and bring them up.

Be ready for a serious conversation to happen when you address this with your partner. If you are agitated or don’t get the reply you were seeking, it’s best to simply say thank you for sharing, and walk away. Think it over before continuing or sharing your feelings. If you turn aggressive, there will be no productivity and your partner will likely not want to share anything else. If they do, they will hide the truth to avoid upsetting you, which doesn’t help anyone here.

Compromise.

Simply put, we want our needs met. However, we generally have an excuse about why we aren’t meeting the other person’s needs. It can’t be one-sided and it’s completely unfair to your partner if you aren’t putting in the effort that you could like to receive. Create a list of things you could work on, and share those with your partner only after you have made changes. Saying what you would like to do is just talk. If you can bring your achievements to the conversation after you have already started, this could be a great way for your partner to be more invested in also making changes. It will take time so don’t give up if you don’t notice anything right away.

Relationship Reviews: It isn’t as bad as it sounds.

A relationship review is a great time to meet about these topics on a weekly basis. Do NOT use these as venting sessions. This will quickly turn negative and no one wants to sit through that each week. You can add in areas of improvement but that shouldn’t be the entire scenario. So what should be accomplished? My thought is to keep these as positive as possible. If there is something that has frustrated you, it should be addressed well before this meeting. Here are a few suggestions to go over:

• A weekly recap of how the week went overall.
• A positive memory from the week.
• What you enjoy about the week.
• Accomplishments you’d like to share.
• Appreciation about your partner.
• General observations.
• What you are looking forward to in the upcoming week.

This is also a good time to bring up anything that has bothered you that has not yet been addressed:

• Any down points, even if they were addressed. A recap of how you handled it.
• Feedback about the above or in general.
• Improvements that you or your partner can make (do not use this to make a list of changes you want to see, choose 3 max).
• Goals that you previously committed to and how those are coming along.
• An action and accountability plan about how these goals will continue to thrive.

Remember, if you have been with your partner for a while and you want to see it succeed, try these or even come up with your own plan. But either way, you should have something that allows you to have a grasp each week about what you said you would do and what you will do. It’s okay to revisit these without waiting for the review. Chose a day each week that will allow you to be consistent. If your schedules change frequently then wait at least every 5 days to have a detailed conversation about this. If you’re too busy to take just 10 minutes then there may need to be a bigger conversation, anyway.

If you’ve tried things in the past that hasn’t worked, seek out new ways and step out of your comfort zone. Other ideas:

• Listen to a relationship podcast together. You should both agree on the topic.
• Read a relationship book together. If this is something new for you then start with a shorter book.
• Go for a walk or explore a new place to get a conversation going other than work or daily problems.
• Do something nice or unexpected for your partner: this does not require spending money. Look up free events in your area. If you’re long-distance, look up a virtual comedy show or watch a party.
• Hold hands! While it sounds so small, holding hands while out or even at home on the couch can bring you closer.

There will always be uncertainty about where a relationship will head, but effort truly is the keyword here. If you choose to remain with your partner when there is no love remaining, then find ways to spark those emotions again or you’re wasting your time. It isn’t fair to you or them if you have no interest in making it work. No excuses!

How will you make a change in yourself today? Don’t “pull the plug” just yet, if you truly love your partner or would like to again. We are rooting for you!