Tag Archives: Improvement

Uncategorized Optimization

“It’s Too Late.” Says Who?

I’ve always been a bit introverted. I strongly believe that everyone has some level of being ambiverted. I had an ex who told me that it was too late for me to make friends. This was while I was a non-traditional college student trying my best to make connections. I believed him.

This caused me to latch on strongly to relationships because I felt that was all I had. I’ve only recently realized how untrue that was.

I admit, it was hard for me to find friends in high school or college who I connected with on a deeper level due to past trauma. I didn’t trust many people, and I still don’t. But, everyone is not the enemy. Everyone is not “fake” with false motives. Moreover, you can make friends with shared interests as an adult.

Granted, it does take effort and initiative. I felt a bit lost at first while I was single. I tried random events, forums, outings, etc. in my quest to develop something. Eventually, it did work!

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I gained a close friend group who I care about and vice versa. It made me realize the importance of “friends” and who will be there during the ups and downs.

I had a chat with one of those friends recently about how often this can also backfire. There is a particular friend who always disappears while in a relationship and returns when things don’t work out. It’s noticeable.

At some point, people will give up on you as being a genuine person. You will have no one to turn to once it fails (this does not mean that it will). However, I believe you should give 6 months to a year in a romantic relationship before you begin to prioritize your relationship over your friends. Even then, it is to balance your time with both.

The friend mentioned above blamed “work” as the reason for not being around as much, but we knew that was not true. The heavy workload only seemed to increase when the relationship was thriving. We were “missed” when things were not going well or ended.

This reminded me of myself. I certainly clung to my past partners and gave up on the idea of friends entirely. It’s healthy to have a friend group. It doesn’t have to be a large circle but someone other than a relative or romantic partner is essential to emotional wellbeing.

If you’re an introvert like me, I can feel your eye roll. I get it, but I urge you to consider ways to make a new connection that isn’t forceful or heavy-handed (ie, sending email, social media, and text blasts to hang out with people you have not spoken to in years). Let it flow naturally and see what comes of it.

That’s what will ultimately last.

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My Personal Optimization, Optimize: Relationships, Optimize: Work

Doubt Words: What Are Those?

Self-doubt is the negativity that we harshly express toward ourselves, but this can easily rub off on others. We talk ourselves out of our own capabilities, and in turn, by sharing this with others, they begin to question their own ability. How common is this? In particular, in the workplace or at home.

Continue reading Doubt Words: What Are Those? →
My Personal Optimization, Optimize: Health, Optimize: Relationships

Resolutions…What Are Those Anyway?

I’ve always been opposed to the idea of a New Years’ resolution. The whole “new year, new me” concept makes me double-wince. I don’t mean that merely to be negative. It serves as a commercial deterrent rather than an inspiration. It’s the reason that gym memberships are at their peak, and an abundance of marketing goes into creating hope that this is finally your year to improve.

If you buy into this Krampus, then it is definitely time for improvement; I agree with that part. I’m not here to bash your dreams. But that’s the problem. A New Year’s resolution is nothing more than a dream, an expensive fantasy that is manufactured to get you spending money. Not self-development.

A resolution makes it appear that something is broken within you that urgently needs to be fixed or resolved. A New Year resolution is calling you a resolved problem. Let that sink in. No wonder so many people get discouraged at the start of the year. These aren’t realistic goals. It puts achievement out of reach. Let’s change that! How can we make our standards attainable throughout the entire year?

I can’t guarantee that everyone will be willing to look at this in the same light as I have, because honestly, I’ve always hated the phrase New Year’s Resolution. That is also what inspired me to adjust my mindset.

Here are a few things that I did early in the year:

  • Write a letter to yourself that maps out goals in detail
  • Create calendar reminders
  • Share your plan with someone close for accountability
  • Start a journey journal to see your progress on paper
  • Give yourself credit for trying
  • Have pep talks with yourself when you realistically aren’t
  • Take [very short] breaks when you need a mental reset
  • Look for creative reminders when something isn’t working
  • Open the letter after a year to see what you did and did not do

This list will be different for everyone, which is fine. We aren’t all the same. It took me a while to discover what did and did not work.

It might convey hypocrisy, but there is a key difference. It’s called intention. The other difference is this list can begin at any point throughout the year. there’s no reason to put a time stamp on it that says: I must begin this on January 1st. I’ll be the one to tell you: that’s just silly. Start now.

January 1st just happens to be convenient for me to open the letter to myself, but everything else is constantly getting adjusted as ideas come to me about how to improve the process. While calendar reminders have worked well for me, they can also be overwhelming, and they do absolutely no good if you find yourself only snoozing or swiping them away. That’s counterproductive. Better the process if it isn’t working, but do not cheat yourself. Procrastination is harming no one but you.

This is also why it might be helpful to share your plan with someone. But only someone who will be supportive. If they are the critical type that will hound you about why you aren’t working on these things, they aren’t a good fit. Even if it’s someone close. Especially if it’s someone close. Don’t sour those relationships. You want to be able to share the journey with them without causing friction.

Give yourself credit for the effort you have put into what you’ve already tried, but that is not an excuse not to keep going. When I say take a break, I mean maybe a day or two. Anything more than that is “out of sight, out of mind.”

You want to be fulfilled when it’s time to open that victory letter. You want to know that you completed or exceeded most or all of your goals. You don’t want to dread opening it like it’s a government letter for jury duty. Don’t rush to check off boxes. Take your time so that you’re actually getting something out of it that will be useful to you. The main objective is to continue to progress and add to it, but not so much that it becomes a burden. Adjust throughout the year, not once a year. See how you’re changing for the better…or worse. It’s okay to see when you aren’t at your best. That’s the point. You know when changes need to urgently be made.

Take a breath, and get at it! Happy New Year, and I hope your progress thrives throughout 2022!

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My Personal Optimization, Optimize: Health, Optimize: Relationships

When Do You Pull the Plug?

You’ve been in severe pain and no form of advice, remedies, medication, meditation, or just about anything else seems to help. You feel deceived by all the times you were told everything will be alright; just give it some time, things will get better, and everything will work itself out. More like: things people say when they have nothing to say. It’s much easier to admit that I wish I knew what you were going through. I can listen if you’d like.

Continue reading When Do You Pull the Plug? →
My Personal Optimization, Optimize: Relationships

Six Immediate Ideas to Apply if Your Partner is Having a Bad Day

“I could walk a mile in your shoes, but I already know they’re just as uncomfortable as mine. Let’s walk next to each other instead…”

Relationships are not always perfect, and there can be really bad times that need suggestions to help a significant other. But how do relationships handle being in a great mood when a partner isn’t? This can cause friction right away, and leave you at a loss as to what to do during that moment. I have a lot of mood swings that my boyfriend handles very well, and it is not often that the tables are turned. Below are six ways that we went from what could have become not speaking until someone apologized, to a wonderful impromptu date night out. Try reading this article about “how to manage your partner’s bad moods.” There are helpful tips to identify what to look for in your partner, and yourself during these mishaps.

Keep the focus on them

Many times we think we are being helpful by bringing up how bad our own day was. This may come off as insensitive, and quickly lead to a misunderstanding. Always keep the focus on your partner. They entrusted you enough to share a dark time, so the fair thing to do would be to keep things positive, and truly concentrate on what is being said. Watch for mannerisms, body movement, keywords, and tone. If you notice that things are escalating or becoming confrontational, offer to continue the conversation once both of you are calm, and able to control flaring tempers.

Think before you speak

This may seem obvious, but many times we become instantly defensive when it feels like a personal attack, when something may not have been intended that way. Take a moment to think about what was just said, process it, and then speak once you are clear about what you intend to say. There will be heavy emotions when someone is having a bad day. I was very excited to see my partner yesterday, and I was in one of the best moods that I have been in for quite some time during the work week. I was ready to share how work went, and how my weekly goals were coming along, but I knew straight away that he was not his normal self once I saw the expression on his face. I had to put everything that I was feeling and wanted to share on pause. I knew we would have the opportunity to talk about it later, but it did become about what he was feeling. It certainly caught me off-guard, so there were several moments that I had to change my conduct.

Keep out personal judgement

It may not always be purposely, but go back to the previous point. Think about what it is that you are saying, your tone of voice, and how someone may perceive it. Does it come off as judgmental? I tend to get a very high tone when I speak in passion, but to others, that comes off as aggressive. I notice that other people do this as well, even the same people that complain about it. Now that I have more awareness that this happens, I make them aware, also. Simply by saying, “I notice your tone is getting really loud.” This happens more with my mom than anyone else, but it is just because she is excited about the topic, and doesn’t realize that she is doing it.

Another trait of being human is that we can’t always control our facial expressions. This could come off as critical. Put together with tone, this is disaster. This is also why it is essential to listen, and only offer feedback once there is a pause break, and once the person has finished their thought. Offering advice too soon may result in a quick rebuttal if you haven’t allowed all information to come out yet. But, again, be sure that this is the time to add a comment, or if you should wait until the timing is better. This goes right into the next element.

attention or advance

Offer your full attention, and determine if this is the right moment to advance opinions. If you aren’t the type of person who is good at listening, try reading about ways to improve this skill. A few similar tips that the author suggest are: stay focused on the moment, do not interrupt, LISTEN, be fair, empathize, and ask your partner for feedback about your conversations. I never put much thought into the last one, but it is something that many couples probably don’t do enough of. If you’re with your partner most of the time, then they would be the right person to ask, but be sure it isn’t biased (it will be to some degree). All of this goes back to the first method, keeping focused on your partner. I find myself interrupting a lot when I’m trying to get a thought out, but don’t notice that I am speaking over someone. It is a habit that I have gotten better at, and try to remain cognizant of.

Give personal space, but ask first

Some people just want to be alone, but others may want to share all about a bad day with the person they are closest to. If you aren’t completely sure which they are feeling, simply ask. Telling someone you will give them space may come off that you do not want to hear about their problems. Several times during our disagreements, one of us will ask if space is needed, but I notice that it is generally only when things get tense or one person is feeling combative. If things get too strained, it is best that someone calmly demand a “timeout.” I tried this when things weren’t as hostile for us both (only one, not both of us, were in a bad mood) because I wasn’t sure if he wanted to be alone & reflect or not. In this case, he did not want space, so I am glad I asked before leaving the room. It worked out, and we were able to talk it out.

What would make you feel better?

If you were feeling as low as your partner, what would make you feel better? What advice would you give yourself? When I’m having a bad day, or a bad attitude, I get entangled in my thoughts. I like to be around my partner, but I prefer things to be quiet at first. He usually knows how to overcome this obstacle. There are a few things that would make me feel better when I’m feeling down. If you need something quick and in the moment, try board games, a snack or indoor picnic, a cheesy comedy, or my favorite, get out! Go for a walk around the neighborhood, go for ice cream, an arcade, or a nature park. Nature is therapeutic.

We both LOVE nature, so this was my first thought to get both of our spirits up. If you need ideas, try these outdoors ideas or cheap everyday things that cost little to nothing. The picture above/below is from our impromptu date night out. I suggested that we go for a walk to change the mood, which I didn’t think he would be up for, but I was so happy when he said yes! I just wanted him to feel better, and by the end of the night, he was smiling. Not back to his normal self, but that takes time. We are both in search of something greater, and these down moments will happen until we reach those high periods in life.

go from a bad day to good day instantly

The next time one of you are having a bad day, try these techniques, and let me know how it went. ~Shá

My Personal Optimization

What is “Behind the Fog?”

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

~Plato.

Fog is ominous. There is a deep mystery behind it that allows us to write our own story. It might be a horror story like John Carpenter’s 1980 flick “The Fog,” or it might be the next breakthrough in science to save the world. What one considers to be negative, another may consider thrilling. I love the thought of the “not knowing,” but Behind the Fog is much more than either of these because it may be found within each individual.

What is behind my fog? If only there were an easy answer to this, but we also tend to make things more complex in our heads. Which, like many others, is one of the main things behind my fog. I get trapped in my thoughts more often than not, and it can cause a strain in “real” life. At this point, you may have realized that fog is purely metaphorical for our own conscience. Think about what that means for you.

The objective here is not to simply recognize what your fog is in order to tackle it overnight. That would not be realistic. It may not even be something that needs to be tackled, at least right this moment. There does, however, need to be self-awareness. Know what is behind your fog so that there are no surprises, especially if someone close recognizes it before you do.

Here are the main objectives for identifying what is behind your fog:

  • Self- awareness.
  • What are the peaks in your life right now? It’s a cliché question, but what makes you happy. I do not mean what you think sounds politically correct as an answer, but what truly makes you smile when no one is around?
  • What are your valleys? This may be more difficult to address because it will bring up a lot of emotional negativity. I find myself being aware of these often at work. I will address these in future posts. Right now, it’s all about you, and finding your own self-awareness so you can follow me on this journey!
  • How can you optimize your life based on those listed above? What would ease these feelings in an instant? For me, it is travel, nature, and being outdoors. Please list anything but money!

Think about all of this, and what you plan to accomplish from it. No action aside from making a list of your awareness; identifying what is behind your fog. Once that fog clears, what will you see? Is it not better to already know what is hiding there now so you can expect it? Do not be afraid of who you are. I will continue to reiterate this, but this is all about your own thoughts, and not what seems like the right answer. If you are embarrassed or ashamed of what it might look like written down, then only think about it. Honesty is the objective. If you can only be honest with yourself, then complete this when you are alone.

I hope to connect with others that constantly think about these same conceptions. I find myself writing about these in my journal often, but even then, I leave things out in case it is ever found. No one can judge you in your own mind, so take this seriously when generating your list, and I will do the same.

2017, Colorado. Taking a hike up Pike’s Peak.