How many times have you heard the phrase “I knew s/he was the person I would marry when I first saw him/her. It was love at first sight.” Is starting a relationship built upon lust healthy?
Continue reading Love at First Sight: Genuine Emotion or Shallow Desire?Category Archives: Optimize: Relationships
Shout to the World: I’m Leaving Social Media!
Announcement or Outcry?
Anyone who has been on social media has heard the infamous cringe worthy line “I’m taking a break from social media, I need time to [insert arrogant activity no one cares about].” One week later, “here are all of the pictures from my break, I missed you all!” One week? Does that count? Is that even long enough to regain mental cleansing? I’d also assert that you don’t actually miss anyone who you wouldn’t pick up your phone to call, or even text.
So, why is that attention from strangers or distant acquaintances and relatives so important? That last part reminds me of a pretty significant keyword: relative… relevance. Who doesn’t want to feel relevant to hundreds of people at once? Only to have those same hundred people rip your confidence to shreds simply by not liking or commenting on a photo (I can assure you they all say it, by the way, but many people deal with their own social media anxiety simply by pretending not to be online at all).
I truly do believe that everyone on social media should take “real” breaks. Once a month or longer. If you find yourself frequently glorifying others’ lives, then it’s time for a break. Like yesterday, not today. Two hours ago, not right now!
I do get it. There are several reasons that we turn to social media: boredom, recognition, inclusiveness, [simulated] relationships, entertainment, and so much more. We often turn to it for what’s missing in our lives: love, lust, fulfillment, short interactions, and so on. When we take a “break,” we lose those basic needs (wants, really, that we’ve convinced ourselves we can’t live without) that are missing from real life. That would explain why the relapse is so quick.
If someone truly cares about taking a break from social media, they’d do it. I am by no means saying it’s easy to do so. It does take conditioning to prepare for something you’ve committed to and developed as a habit. This is coming from someone who ditched social media for 6+ years.
Even now, I only have Instagram, which I log into about every few months to look at cute fluffy animals or write something related to nature or blogging; and LinkedIn, which is treading the thin line of shaved ice as becoming a political and Meta cesspool. I’d like to say that’s disappointing, but that’d contribute to my point. Our expectations for social media far exceeds our, or any followers and friends, reality.
Back to the initial question. You know the answer. Think about if you’ve ever made a post about leaving or taking a break from social media. Were you serious or were you counting likes? Did you immediately log off or did you wait intently to receive last minute goodbyes in the comments, only to get a single response from a partner or parent. Did you use that time to rejuvenate and invest in yourself, or did you sneak peek at your local idols from another browser without logging in? It isn’t cheating if you aren’t logged in, right?
Get ahold of yourself! If you can’t text or call them then their fabricated social media lifestyle absolutely does not matter. You 135% got this! I understand that when boredom strikes, it seeps in like a thousand rattlesnake bites. Find your replacement habit. Challenge yourself to something new, or old. How many times did you start something only to stop because you were distracted by social media? Let’s reverse that! Pick up that “something,” and make social media work for your attention! Give yourself a schedule. Commit to an app timer, start small…like, no more than five minutes a day allowed.
That got long-winded, but I’d love to see so many more people realize that social media can be useful to keep in touch, but it can become toxic and obsessive. Find balance. Behind every post is an individual struggling with identity and who they really are. Don’t let the social media escape, trap, consume you.
Dig your way out of that cyber grave and bury that garbage with the very best of you flourishing beautifully on the surface.
Follow me & see you next time!
Resolutions…What Are Those Anyway?
I’ve always been opposed to the idea of a New Years’ resolution. The whole “new year, new me” concept makes me double-wince. I don’t mean that merely to be negative. It serves as a commercial deterrent rather than an inspiration. It’s the reason that gym memberships are at their peak, and an abundance of marketing goes into creating hope that this is finally your year to improve.
If you buy into this Krampus, then it is definitely time for improvement; I agree with that part. I’m not here to bash your dreams. But that’s the problem. A New Year’s resolution is nothing more than a dream, an expensive fantasy that is manufactured to get you spending money. Not self-development.
A resolution makes it appear that something is broken within you that urgently needs to be fixed or resolved. A New Year resolution is calling you a resolved problem. Let that sink in. No wonder so many people get discouraged at the start of the year. These aren’t realistic goals. It puts achievement out of reach. Let’s change that! How can we make our standards attainable throughout the entire year?
I can’t guarantee that everyone will be willing to look at this in the same light as I have, because honestly, I’ve always hated the phrase New Year’s Resolution. That is also what inspired me to adjust my mindset.
Here are a few things that I did early in the year:
- Write a letter to yourself that maps out goals in detail
- Create calendar reminders
- Share your plan with someone close for accountability
- Start a journey journal to see your progress on paper
- Give yourself credit for trying
- Have pep talks with yourself when you realistically aren’t
- Take [very short] breaks when you need a mental reset
- Look for creative reminders when something isn’t working
- Open the letter after a year to see what you did and did not do
This list will be different for everyone, which is fine. We aren’t all the same. It took me a while to discover what did and did not work.
It might convey hypocrisy, but there is a key difference. It’s called intention. The other difference is this list can begin at any point throughout the year. there’s no reason to put a time stamp on it that says: I must begin this on January 1st. I’ll be the one to tell you: that’s just silly. Start now.
January 1st just happens to be convenient for me to open the letter to myself, but everything else is constantly getting adjusted as ideas come to me about how to improve the process. While calendar reminders have worked well for me, they can also be overwhelming, and they do absolutely no good if you find yourself only snoozing or swiping them away. That’s counterproductive. Better the process if it isn’t working, but do not cheat yourself. Procrastination is harming no one but you.
This is also why it might be helpful to share your plan with someone. But only someone who will be supportive. If they are the critical type that will hound you about why you aren’t working on these things, they aren’t a good fit. Even if it’s someone close. Especially if it’s someone close. Don’t sour those relationships. You want to be able to share the journey with them without causing friction.
Give yourself credit for the effort you have put into what you’ve already tried, but that is not an excuse not to keep going. When I say take a break, I mean maybe a day or two. Anything more than that is “out of sight, out of mind.”
You want to be fulfilled when it’s time to open that victory letter. You want to know that you completed or exceeded most or all of your goals. You don’t want to dread opening it like it’s a government letter for jury duty. Don’t rush to check off boxes. Take your time so that you’re actually getting something out of it that will be useful to you. The main objective is to continue to progress and add to it, but not so much that it becomes a burden. Adjust throughout the year, not once a year. See how you’re changing for the better…or worse. It’s okay to see when you aren’t at your best. That’s the point. You know when changes need to urgently be made.
Take a breath, and get at it! Happy New Year, and I hope your progress thrives throughout 2022!
Is Marketing Impacting Our Ability to Feel Loved?
We’ve always had a love/hate relationship with the way marketers target us for their studies to make us vulnerable to their products. We feel emotional connections to actors in a studio, trained to pull on our heartstrings. For those with stronger immune systems, they bring anything out of their bag of tricks from the furriest puppies they can find to the baby with the fattest cheeks. All based on the science of what the general public finds acceptable or attractive.
How much does this impact our daily life and the expectations that we generate based on how a product made us feel? For example: you see a happy couple running through a park full of vibrant flowers, holding hands. “Beautiful white smiles.” By the end, the words appear that mention how starting a financial wellness plan will add to your happiness. None of these visuals actually have to do with this couple being happy, but it does make YOU believe that your relationship would have more smiles if you and your partner planned finances better.
So, what happens next? You’re ready to start a financial planning journey (i.e. spending money), and now you have to chew your partner out about how they don’t save well enough, or should invest to contribute to the mental wellness of the relationship. When they aren’t on board, you feel neglected, betrayed, overruled. Now what? You move on to the next feel-good product that distracts you from the previous failure.
There is usually a go-to product that makes us feel better overall. Something we’re committed to no matter what. It might be books, video games, TV, blogs, bubble baths, food…
The common theme above? These things all cost money in some capacity (or did at some point), or time. Even with those cheaper items or things we don’t think are influencing us, we’re still being surrounded by marketing tactics. Because nothing is free, right?
Those free things (in the virtual setting) generally have advertising everywhere. Even just going for a walk has its downsides. You see it on trash bins, passing vehicles, billboards, sidewalks, nothing gets missed to get your attention!
This can make us feel wanted, liked, a little.
Why do you think people take the time to answer telemarketer calls, and instead of using those three kill words that should end the call immediately, they hang up– knowing that the person will call right back. Saying “Do Not Contact me,” and holding the phone until they acknowledge this will end that frustration. But many people who know this still choose to answer and speak with this live person, even if just for a moment.
Maybe it has to do with expecting that someone will actually call you. Is it possible that our subconscious awaits that voice-to-voice and power over another individual?
We want to feel wanted. Marketing does just that, in an unfortunate and corrupt way.
The next time you walk into a store, observe if you walk left or right. Do you notice more of the eye-catching things to the right? What colors draw you in? Are the more colors that you notice, like red or softer colors?
What things are magnetizing to your eyes? Your ears? How are these things impacting your personal relationships?
Is It Rude to Send a Surprise Package During the Holiday Season?
It’s a time of appreciation! Right? Realistically, however, the standard holiday has changed drastically. Many people can travel without informing a relative or employer.
No one is opposed to gifts, generally. Until it’s unexpected and becomes a burden. Many people have non-traditional living situations. This might be that you travel a lot due to remote work, or staying between two homes if you split the time with a partner, or maybe you take care of a relative so many days per week.
The conundrum is that people become overly giving this time of year without casually checking first. I’m certainly not saying you should share these details, but I do think if someone is sending you something, then it’s helpful to pass along that information first.
Just today I received a Christmas card in the mail. It read something to the effect of, I saw your social media post and wanted to see how you were doing. I hope things are going well with you and the kids. I’m not on social media (expect #Wordpress), and I do not have kids. The card was not for me, I realized.
It’s a kind gesture, but based on the language used it became clear that this was written by someone who had not seen or heard from this person for a very long time. Perhaps reaching out for a current address to confirm that it’d be okay to send “something.”
I have noticed this a lot with jobs. Instead of checking with employees about a “mailing address,” they rely on poorly developed payroll management software that will only allow a “living address” for the purpose of taxes.
So, here you are 90 miles away and see a #Slack that Christmas gifts are being sent out and you will receive them by XYZ date. It is two-day shipping. Now, you have to scramble to find someone to run to get it if you’re in an apartment or area that is easily viewed from a distance.
At a minimum, the sender should send a tracking number. I hope this doesn’t come off as self-absorbed. This applies to those working in an office setting, generally, but also distant friends and relatives that may not be familiar with your situation.
The only point that I am making is just to check in with someone. I’m sure they’d appreciate hearing from you much more than receiving a gift, anyhow. Mental health can dry up this time of year, and it always helps to know someone is thinking of you, not just throwing money at you as means of expressing care.
Continue to express gratitude! Just be sure to revert back to the traditional verbal (not virtual) hello every once in a while.
Have Requests Become Demands?
What does it mean to be selfish? Are we able to identify the difference between being selfish, setting expectations, and being unreasonable? When does our personal wants, not to be confused with needs, become demands? Do our “requests” become expectations?
Think of each time that you have asked someone a yes or no question about a request. These are nearly always not an actual request, but a demand. How so? If the answer is anything other than “no” then it immediately becomes negativity and disappointment. Is this fair to the person you’re asking?
I’m not referring to small, daily requests like can you pass the remote? But, actual impactful requests like would you mind picking me up grapes from the grocery store? Generally, we don’t actually care why the answer is no, but we express our frustration with a somber tone that relays that to the other person. Which either forces them to rethink the response or immediately turn defensive about proving the logic behind the decision.
However, it is unlikely that any explanation will not be accepted, unless it’s something very dramatic. Given the example above, the “approval” of rejection will be accepted if the person finds the “excuse” to be justified.
If you say you don’t want to pick up grapes because you don’t feel like leaving the house today would likely be met with an eye roll. If you add on that you had a really bad day work then acceptance creeps back. But if you add that you’re going to play video games to eliminate the tension then disapproval is back again.
“I feel bad that you’re having a bad day BUT you’d rather play video games than grab me grapes from the store after I asked kindly? How selfish!”
A person is entitled to say no, but we’ve been conditioned to associate the word “no” with something bad at an early age. Therefore, it is an expectation to say yes to everything to remain polite, or we’re perceived as just being rude. This is unacceptable mainly because if we begin saying yes to things we don’t actually agree with or want to do then we’re sour about it the entire time and either resent the person for “forcing” us into it or hold them accountable for owing us something.
It’s become so ingrained that it can even have a reverse effect when we do want to do something nice. For example, “do you want me to order us some food?” Most people would say yes and find this thoughtful, until: how do you want to split it? Womp womp. If you’re this person, you should either be the person to pay, or add that in the initial question: I was thinking about ordering some food, would you like to go in half on something? This avoids upfront awkwardness.
We should treat every query as if the answer will be no, not the other way around. If you truly want to know why the answer was no, then whatever answer is given should not be followed by another question to get the person to uncomfortably change their mind, but respect their decision and right to say no, even if it is something as simple as picking up something from the store.
Reframing our minds can put us in the mindset to get comfortable with rejection. I would not equate this to lowering expectations, but acceptance. That does not mean we should not ask questions at all, but think about the question and if you are asking for clarification or if you are asking to prompt a different response. If the latter, then start with this instead. Begin with an honest reason for the question, not cornering someone until they give you what you want.
It can be frustrating when this happens to us. To keep the conversation friendly and productive, evaluate the risks, and respond accordingly.
Getting the answer you want isn’t always worth it. If you do get a no, start off with appreciation, followed by your explanation for asking, and realistically, why you are unable to do this alone or yourself. Expressing gratitude may just get the person to switch anyway, but that should not be the end goal.
People like to feel needed, not used. Think about it the next time you ask for help with something. Have a backup plan if you do get a no, and be respectful of their service if they say yes. It’ll make you both feel better at the moment, and the next time either person needs a favor!
I hope to “see” you next time!
When Do You Pull the Plug?
You’ve been in severe pain and no form of advice, remedies, medication, meditation, or just about anything else seems to help. You feel deceived by all the times you were told everything will be alright; just give it some time, things will get better, and everything will work itself out. More like: things people say when they have nothing to say. It’s much easier to admit that I wish I knew what you were going through. I can listen if you’d like.
Continue reading When Do You Pull the Plug?
Romance Yourself
When was the last time you bought yourself something for a reason? Meaning, giving yourself a reward for a job well done. Adding incentives to those mini wins.
It’s something I haven’t done enough. It’s encouraged by just about every habit book out there. We say that sounds like a great idea, I should start doing that. Then we don’t.
Part of the problem is that we feel guilty about celebrating our wins. Giving oneself kudos feels like bragging about your accomplishments, which somehow rubs others the wrong way. This is also the issue. When we share with someone, we want them to say the typical well-done, pat on the back, and ice cream of your choice before it’s forgotten. But, you haven’t forgotten. Now you’re more frustrated that you aren’t being celebrated more.
So? Celebrate yourself! Think of just five wins that you’ve had today, even if it hasn’t been the best day. Here are a few of mine:
- Started a new book and read over 30 pages; increased my daily reading goal to 60 pages.
- Completed a yoga class twice in one week.
- Completed all of the chores that I’ve put off from the previous week.
- Posted a review to my book club chat.
- Found a new strategy at work to make things more efficient.
The points above are just about meaningless to anyone that just read it. BUT, they are all big and little achievements to me. It certainly is nice for someone to acknowledge that these things are important to me, but I’d have to also expect the same in return. Everyone has some sort of list of wins.
Reflect on what yours are. What is one thing from that list that could be improved? Try it out, and reward yourself for implementation, effort, and consistency.
It doesn’t have to cost money, either. Reward yourself with something that you never do, but have wanted to. For me, I love being outdoors (I do hate the cold, though!). A reward could be going for a short walk. Actually, going for the walk would be another win, as that is something I want more of in my routine.
Your turn! Write out five wins from the day, and five inexpensive wins you could treat yourself with.
One Moment: I’m Busy With My Busyness
The infamous, “I’ve been busy.” The phrase we all hate to hear, but the number one expression we love to use- in times of need.
What is busyness? It’s just as it sounds, staying busy. However, it has become more and more abused, and a top excuse for those who want to appear busy.
I am certainly not saying people don’t get busy, but I am saying being busy is circumstantial. Just about any customer-focused professional knows that this is the number one excuse. In some regard, it also makes the person saying it feel more powerful, useful even. It gives the entitlement that someone needs you in the world, and that has made you too needed for *insert friend, relative, tasks here.*
Let’s think about all of the things that we’re not too busy with: eating, social media, intimacy, games, travel, going out (these are only examples, and completely biased). Our busyness usually comes into full swing when it’s something we absolutely dread that we will have to become busy with, even if it only lasts a matter of seconds or minutes.
Think of the last time someone has said this to you. What were you asking of them? What was the reason? It could be the most basic requests (in your mind):
- How have you been?
- How is work going?
- I haven’t heard from you for a while?
- You didn’t call me back…
- How is that project you were working on?
- What about those goals you set two years ago?
- Checking in on a relative…
- When will you be finishing that book you started?
- …this list could go on forever. Everyone reading this has 10 more things to add for every sentence that was read.
Are these excuses, genuine, insecurity, neediness (feeling important at the moment), or deception?
Start by asking yourself how quickly you answered the question with a “busy” reply. For example: How have you been? Just busy, as always. How so? Work, you know, the usual. How is work keeping you busy? Well, it’s work…the usual.
If work is the usual, should that even be part of your busyness? That’s an expectation. What about after work? What about when you sit on the toilet for 10 minutes with a phone in your hand scrolling Facebook?
What about while you’re waiting for the pot to boil for your pot of noodles? Or, waiting for the gas to finish pumping? These are all moments, even if small, that could be used to reach out to a friend, relative, or read something engaging instead of…scrolling. *cringe*
Something I have incorporated into my routine more is reading. Not regular reading, because I read a LOT, but the moments when your brain is turned off. I found myself awake at night unable to sleep and…scrolling. There was nothing engaging about these articles, the news, and I’m not on social media. I installed a game, but it did not fulfill me.
So, if I love reading, why only do it when the lights are on. I could use that time for something beneficial. I downloaded eBooks (audiobooks could work as well if you are into that), and I considered this a nighttime read. Even if I really enjoyed the book, I would only read it when I knew I would be awake at night.
I also used this time to schedule text messages or chats. Of course, you do not want to randomly text someone at 2 a.m. So, if there was someone on my mind I scheduled the message to send during regular hours. That way, busyness is not intercepting as an excuse, as you are already awake. Do something productive!
Instead of thinking about all of the things you could be doing, do them! This could even help you get back to sleep. Clean, cook, all of the things you are too busy for, but society says you should only do during certain times of the day.
Own your busyness! If you are going to be busy, truly be busy! Do not excuse yourself from the people that are important or the goals you could have achieved months ago. At least try it before deciding you aren’t capable of it. I’d say give it a minimum of seven consecutive days before giving up (don’t be a giver-upper!).
I do hope you start this challenge with me, or at least really think about that response before you ever say it to someone again. The next time someone says it to you, challenge them about their busyness (again, they may be truly busy). If it is an auto-reply, it is probably not authentic.
Happy reading (or whatever you choose to fulfill those little moments)!
Six Immediate Ideas to Apply if Your Partner is Having a Bad Day
“I could walk a mile in your shoes, but I already know they’re just as uncomfortable as mine. Let’s walk next to each other instead…”
Relationships are not always perfect, and there can be really bad times that need suggestions to help a significant other. But how do relationships handle being in a great mood when a partner isn’t? This can cause friction right away, and leave you at a loss as to what to do during that moment. I have a lot of mood swings that my boyfriend handles very well, and it is not often that the tables are turned. Below are six ways that we went from what could have become not speaking until someone apologized, to a wonderful impromptu date night out. Try reading this article about “how to manage your partner’s bad moods.” There are helpful tips to identify what to look for in your partner, and yourself during these mishaps.
Keep the focus on them
Many times we think we are being helpful by bringing up how bad our own day was. This may come off as insensitive, and quickly lead to a misunderstanding. Always keep the focus on your partner. They entrusted you enough to share a dark time, so the fair thing to do would be to keep things positive, and truly concentrate on what is being said. Watch for mannerisms, body movement, keywords, and tone. If you notice that things are escalating or becoming confrontational, offer to continue the conversation once both of you are calm, and able to control flaring tempers.
Think before you speak
This may seem obvious, but many times we become instantly defensive when it feels like a personal attack, when something may not have been intended that way. Take a moment to think about what was just said, process it, and then speak once you are clear about what you intend to say. There will be heavy emotions when someone is having a bad day. I was very excited to see my partner yesterday, and I was in one of the best moods that I have been in for quite some time during the work week. I was ready to share how work went, and how my weekly goals were coming along, but I knew straight away that he was not his normal self once I saw the expression on his face. I had to put everything that I was feeling and wanted to share on pause. I knew we would have the opportunity to talk about it later, but it did become about what he was feeling. It certainly caught me off-guard, so there were several moments that I had to change my conduct.
Keep out personal judgement
It may not always be purposely, but go back to the previous point. Think about what it is that you are saying, your tone of voice, and how someone may perceive it. Does it come off as judgmental? I tend to get a very high tone when I speak in passion, but to others, that comes off as aggressive. I notice that other people do this as well, even the same people that complain about it. Now that I have more awareness that this happens, I make them aware, also. Simply by saying, “I notice your tone is getting really loud.” This happens more with my mom than anyone else, but it is just because she is excited about the topic, and doesn’t realize that she is doing it.
Another trait of being human is that we can’t always control our facial expressions. This could come off as critical. Put together with tone, this is disaster. This is also why it is essential to listen, and only offer feedback once there is a pause break, and once the person has finished their thought. Offering advice too soon may result in a quick rebuttal if you haven’t allowed all information to come out yet. But, again, be sure that this is the time to add a comment, or if you should wait until the timing is better. This goes right into the next element.
attention or advance
Offer your full attention, and determine if this is the right moment to advance opinions. If you aren’t the type of person who is good at listening, try reading about ways to improve this skill. A few similar tips that the author suggest are: stay focused on the moment, do not interrupt, LISTEN, be fair, empathize, and ask your partner for feedback about your conversations. I never put much thought into the last one, but it is something that many couples probably don’t do enough of. If you’re with your partner most of the time, then they would be the right person to ask, but be sure it isn’t biased (it will be to some degree). All of this goes back to the first method, keeping focused on your partner. I find myself interrupting a lot when I’m trying to get a thought out, but don’t notice that I am speaking over someone. It is a habit that I have gotten better at, and try to remain cognizant of.
Give personal space, but ask first
Some people just want to be alone, but others may want to share all about a bad day with the person they are closest to. If you aren’t completely sure which they are feeling, simply ask. Telling someone you will give them space may come off that you do not want to hear about their problems. Several times during our disagreements, one of us will ask if space is needed, but I notice that it is generally only when things get tense or one person is feeling combative. If things get too strained, it is best that someone calmly demand a “timeout.” I tried this when things weren’t as hostile for us both (only one, not both of us, were in a bad mood) because I wasn’t sure if he wanted to be alone & reflect or not. In this case, he did not want space, so I am glad I asked before leaving the room. It worked out, and we were able to talk it out.
What would make you feel better?
If you were feeling as low as your partner, what would make you feel better? What advice would you give yourself? When I’m having a bad day, or a bad attitude, I get entangled in my thoughts. I like to be around my partner, but I prefer things to be quiet at first. He usually knows how to overcome this obstacle. There are a few things that would make me feel better when I’m feeling down. If you need something quick and in the moment, try board games, a snack or indoor picnic, a cheesy comedy, or my favorite, get out! Go for a walk around the neighborhood, go for ice cream, an arcade, or a nature park. Nature is therapeutic.
We both LOVE nature, so this was my first thought to get both of our spirits up. If you need ideas, try these outdoors ideas or cheap everyday things that cost little to nothing. The picture above/below is from our impromptu date night out. I suggested that we go for a walk to change the mood, which I didn’t think he would be up for, but I was so happy when he said yes! I just wanted him to feel better, and by the end of the night, he was smiling. Not back to his normal self, but that takes time. We are both in search of something greater, and these down moments will happen until we reach those high periods in life.
go from a bad day to good day instantly
The next time one of you are having a bad day, try these techniques, and let me know how it went. ~Shá
Behind the Fog: The Peaks & Valleys of Life. 
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