What does it mean to be selfish? Are we able to identify the difference between being selfish, setting expectations, and being unreasonable? When does our personal wants, not to be confused with needs, become demands? Do our “requests” become expectations?
Think of each time that you have asked someone a yes or no question about a request. These are nearly always not an actual request, but a demand. How so? If the answer is anything other than “no” then it immediately becomes negativity and disappointment. Is this fair to the person you’re asking?
I’m not referring to small, daily requests like can you pass the remote? But, actual impactful requests like would you mind picking me up grapes from the grocery store? Generally, we don’t actually care why the answer is no, but we express our frustration with a somber tone that relays that to the other person. Which either forces them to rethink the response or immediately turn defensive about proving the logic behind the decision.
However, it is unlikely that any explanation will not be accepted, unless it’s something very dramatic. Given the example above, the “approval” of rejection will be accepted if the person finds the “excuse” to be justified.
If you say you don’t want to pick up grapes because you don’t feel like leaving the house today would likely be met with an eye roll. If you add on that you had a really bad day work then acceptance creeps back. But if you add that you’re going to play video games to eliminate the tension then disapproval is back again.
“I feel bad that you’re having a bad day BUT you’d rather play video games than grab me grapes from the store after I asked kindly? How selfish!”
A person is entitled to say no, but we’ve been conditioned to associate the word “no” with something bad at an early age. Therefore, it is an expectation to say yes to everything to remain polite, or we’re perceived as just being rude. This is unacceptable mainly because if we begin saying yes to things we don’t actually agree with or want to do then we’re sour about it the entire time and either resent the person for “forcing” us into it or hold them accountable for owing us something.
It’s become so ingrained that it can even have a reverse effect when we do want to do something nice. For example, “do you want me to order us some food?” Most people would say yes and find this thoughtful, until: how do you want to split it? Womp womp. If you’re this person, you should either be the person to pay, or add that in the initial question: I was thinking about ordering some food, would you like to go in half on something? This avoids upfront awkwardness.
We should treat every query as if the answer will be no, not the other way around. If you truly want to know why the answer was no, then whatever answer is given should not be followed by another question to get the person to uncomfortably change their mind, but respect their decision and right to say no, even if it is something as simple as picking up something from the store.
Reframing our minds can put us in the mindset to get comfortable with rejection. I would not equate this to lowering expectations, but acceptance. That does not mean we should not ask questions at all, but think about the question and if you are asking for clarification or if you are asking to prompt a different response. If the latter, then start with this instead. Begin with an honest reason for the question, not cornering someone until they give you what you want.
It can be frustrating when this happens to us. To keep the conversation friendly and productive, evaluate the risks, and respond accordingly.
Getting the answer you want isn’t always worth it. If you do get a no, start off with appreciation, followed by your explanation for asking, and realistically, why you are unable to do this alone or yourself. Expressing gratitude may just get the person to switch anyway, but that should not be the end goal.
People like to feel needed, not used. Think about it the next time you ask for help with something. Have a backup plan if you do get a no, and be respectful of their service if they say yes. It’ll make you both feel better at the moment, and the next time either person needs a favor!
I hope to “see” you next time!
Behind the Fog: The Peaks & Valleys of Life. 