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I am still figuring that out, and there is no shame in that.

I was recently asked, “what motivates you?” “Don’t you have anything that makes you feel calm?” The truth is, I once did, and now I am in the process of rediscovering that “something.” I used to be able to say “I love horror fiction, writing, reading, watching independent films, and human resources.” While most of this is still true, it isn’t in the same light that it was. My entire life was built upon what can I do to add to my resume next? I would join college organizations, volunteer to help people, and work on internships. Was any of this defining me, or was I simply living up to what society’s standards are of what a “good” person should feel.

In high school, I was still under the impression that “you can be anything that you set your mind to.” If only I knew how true that wasn’t. I do not want that to come off as negative, but there is certainly fine print in it, which is never mentioned. No one told me that if I wanted to be a writer then my script would need to fall in the lap of the right publisher. No one mentioned that if I wanted to write films then I would need to move to Hollywood to become recognized. No one brought up that you will need to apply for 100 jobs, and be lucky if you get five call backs, and one interview. It’s so much easier to give advice with no real solutions. We’re so used to asking “how are you?” Yet, we’re never prepared for, “I’m not doing well.” The response next is usually, “that’s too bad, I hope you feel better.” Carry on. It’s a bit difficult to get motivated when people only want to hear the good, but don’t care much about the bad if it’s anything other than just hearing about the problem.

I’ve discovered that travel is what motivates me most. It isn’t just about getting away from the depression of the job I’m stuck in, or having a routine life, but new things excite me in an indescribable way. There are so many things out there that I know exist, but have never seen. I have read about, and have written about, but how do I know it is really there? Of course, I know it is there because hundreds of people have done the same. But those things haven’t been seen with these eyes. There is no fear in personal fulfillment, and travel is mine.

Travel allows us to experience a new culture, and see things from a new perspective. This doesn’t have to be anything that cost an abundance of money, either. You can travel right from your hometown. There are so many things right where we are that we don’t know exist. Only a few months ago, I discovered that we have an underground cave with rock climbing! That one obviously cost money, but we also found a really neat dam not far from my job that was a replica of my passion for waterfalls. Nature is my second love to travel, particularly scenes of water. I also really enjoy trying new foods, so I am always looking up new recipes and buying a new seasoning that I didn’t know existed. This doesn’t always turn out as planned, but I do enjoy it for the sake of letting others’ try something new that I made.

I still enjoy reading, but not like I once did. In high school, you could not catch me without a book or journal in hand. It wasn’t until I got to college that I realized it wasn’t as enjoyable as it once was. That was scary. Why? Because if I was no longer the reader, the writer, the girl with potential, then who was I? Even now, I know for certain that I am not the 9-5 type, and I would do perfectly well on a secluded island that is technology free. As long as I am surrounded by water, large trees, and people (optional, I am comfortable being alone) who appreciate nature in the same way, then the world would be perfect.

That being said, knowing that there is so much out there that is yet to be experienced, discovered, is what motivates me. Knowing that there is more out there than financial gain, and that there might still be good people out there who also appreciate culture. When I was young, I wanted to be an archaeologist so bad. I was told by my father that it would be a horrible career move because we were not in a position that I could travel or make any real money from it. If only I were more educated on what that meant, then I would have ignored him and went for it. I took it so seriously that I started to study hieroglyphs, and actually got really good at it, before giving up and living down to my ability. I still love everything about ancient [Egyptian] culture, and would love to learn the things that I was deterred from. I no longer remember much of what I studied, and I am not using any of my college degree’s towards anything meaningful, so I may as well have went the direction of something I loved.

While I know that I can’t just go out and become an archaeologist now, and I know for sure now that HR is not an option for me, I am still figuring myself out. I want to be able to love something for no other reason than simply loving it. Not for money, or because the hours or benefits are great and I might be lucky enough to get two weeks of vacation off if I save it well enough, but because I truly have a drive for it. I will continue to reflect on this.

Background on the picture above.

The picture above was taken during an exploration of looking for fireworks on the fourth of July. We were trying to find the highest point in our city that would offer the best view. While we never did find a “great” spot, the journey to do so was much more exhilarating. We found a marsh (these are so fascinating), what looked like a secret government spot, and a ton of hazard/KEEP OUT signs. But, all in good fun!