All posts by Shá D.

In short, I love nature, being outdoors, traveling, writing, reading (when it keeps my interest), finding new places, waterfalls, animals, and elephants. My goal is to keep an honest identity, maintain integrity, and write about all of the things that I have trouble finding in online communities. Because I'm only human, there might be a few venting moments.
My Personal Optimization, Optimize: Relationships, Optimize: Travel

Meet Sh​á: Author of “Behind the Fog.”

Travel. Your money will return, your time won’t.

~Unknown.

What are we doing with most of our time? I have to ask myself this a lot, and my conclusion is always, “not enough.” My primary debacle comes from my expectations of others, and expectations of myself. People make it seem that wanting to enjoy your own life is a sin. It is your to do what you please, and live as you wish. I LOVE to travel and explore new places. Primarily “off the beaten path” places that are not tourist hubs. Those can be interesting, but it is not where I would spend most of my trip. This is actually putting my dreams at a slow pace, as I can only take 1-2 vacations per year, which is never nearly enough. As you may have gathered, I love to travel! I want to connect with others who share that passion, and learn more about what those lives are like. I am still discovering a career path that will allow this more.

About five years ago, I had a breakup with my then boyfriend. After that moment, I was introduced to online dating, something I was completely opposed to, in what I found to be the most rational sense. There were several things that I learned from that relationship, as we all do, but mostly that online does offer the opportunity to say upfront exactly what you want before the date. Of course, people tend to fudge who they are for the sake of a simple reply, but I was hopeful that my profile would be boring enough to attract similar personalities. It worked, to some degree, but I was flooded with responses from [literally] hundreds of men because of my “good girl” demeanor. I will get more into this in the future, but my point is that I wanted to find someone who shared my love for travel, and “the little things.”

I ultimately did begin dating someone, who I am still with, but we have different interests in our preferences, that we are always talking through to understand each other more. He loves to learn, and I love to travel. The only way for our worlds to meet is by me learning while traveling. I do not find reading a textbook or sitting in front of a computer to be fulfilling or compelling; that is my day job. I don’t just want to read about it, I want to see it, and touch it, whenever possible. I want to deeply feel it, and not just have an interesting fact to share during conversations with friends or strangers.

I want to share experiences, not knowledge that is useless until a lunch date. I am a visual learner, so show me don’t tell me. A 2013 survey by the US Travel Association found that 94% of couples that travel together felt closer, as opposed to 86% of couples that did not feel closer and didn’t travel together. The survey found that most of couples who traveled found this to be a bond to “spend alone time together” and “are more likely to communicate well.” The survey linked the below statistics to igniting intimacy, long-term benefits, and maintaining a relationship.

  • 86% of travelers believe romance is still alive.
  • 63% rate vacation as important to sparking romance.
  • 68% found travel necessary to maintaining a healthy relationship.

I, too, agree with these facts for the same reason that I agree with the concept of the holidays that we all hate. Yes, it has become commercial propaganda, but the initial reasons (if you ever have time to look up why some of these were created) had good intentions.

I have been off of social media for about four years now, but the main thing I hated to read was “I treat her like the queen she is every day, but Happy Mother’s Day to my wife.” You and your wife both know that isn’t true, and holidays are just a reminder of the things we tend to forget. For the 1% that don’t put on a sham, kudos! If you are opposed to holidays, then choose another day each month or every few months just to treat someone special that you would otherwise forget I will share in the future what we have done to get around this obstacle). It isn’t often that a partner sends flowers, or gives roses until said holidays arrive.

Traveling is a great way to fill in those gaps. It is a way to bond when life gets in the way of that closeness, and it is truly the only way that you can focus on each other with no distractions. You can attempt to do this from home, but often times something else comes up (television, video games, cooking for lunch/dinner & not pleasure or a romantic evening, cleaning, emails, and all of the other unsexy things that we do each day). I fully support and commend couples that have discovered this secret, and made it work for them. In a future post, I will talk about what it has been like to be in a relationship when that passion for something isn’t fully shared. He does enjoy our trips when we do go, but it isn’t high on his priority list, as it is for me.

Travel has transformed me. It is a relief drug. It drives me to an all-time high. As much as I love to travel, it does not define me wholly. When I am not able to travel, I love to be outdoors, especially in nature.

Nature is like a home vacation. I am always looking for new places, and things to do. Luckily, this is something that is a necessity for us both in my relationship. The sound, smell, and identity of nature, all of it stimulates me. In particular, I enjoy the sight of water. This may seem odd, but it is so invigorating and captivating. Enough adjectives, but I hope you can understand and relate the feelings that it brings me. I have an obsession with everything water: waterfalls, rivers, oceans, rain, streams, the toilet flushing, the faucet running, and on and on. It’s a quirk of my personality, and waterfalls are a must-see when I visit any place.  I sleep to the sound of water each night with an app. These are the main things that bring me calmness and joy.

I have watched several relatives get older in their long-term relationships, and begin making travel plans or trying new things after the kids are older. Why wait until you are frail, slow, sick, insecure (I am not saying that is the case with everyone, but in this case, they are). I refuse to let life pass me by, and I continue to seek adventure! Once the last trip ends, planning for the next is in full swing. I have always hoped to share that with someone special.

A few other fun facts about me: I will mention my boyfriend often, and we are deciding if we should begin a YouTube channel together, as another platform to bring us closer. We have a lot of candid moments that could bring happiness to others.I enjoy independent films that relate to me, or real life in general.

My favorite animal is the elephant, but I also love cats, horses, and small dogs . I don’t have a typical “favorite” color, if at all, but if I had to choose, it would be brown, orange, or blueish. As mentioned, I love to make and try new foods, but mostly for others to try it (i.e. my boyfriend or parents). I am not a huge fan of music (that does not mean I do not enjoy it), but when I do listen, I like very melancholic or dramatic sounds. I have wanted to learn the guitar for a few years, but my motivation has not been strong enough to remain consistent. Each time I hear an acoustic riff, I begin to research chords again. I haven’t given up on it completely, but I just need to find a balance of practice.

“The baby.” My yorkie passed a few years ago, and the baby is a product of her legacy.

The majority (if not all) pictures on my site are mine or belong to my partner, using the Google Pixel (1 & 2). I try to avoid any pictures that aren’t, but if I do use something from another person, it will be credited as such, and clearly stated. Each blog will be a new learning experience, as this is uncharted territory.

I have put off blogging for a few years, but have been adding to my outline of it for the same amount of time. I am ready to share my progress, and stick with it! I think of blogging as a safe place to share thoughts, ideas, and honesty.

Blogging is an escape from the “real” world. It is nice to be able to share things with others’ who may have the same feelings. Things that a relative or person in everyday life will never understand.  We can all optimize each others lives by keeping our “social” [media] selves honest.  I look forward to exploring, optimizing together! I do not want to become quickly jaded, so I am still working on my plan to hold myself accountable. There’s so much more to tell! But, I will save the rest for the blog. Thanks for reading, and until next time…

My Personal Optimization, Optimize: Work

What is My Motivation?

I am still figuring that out, and there is no shame in that.

I was recently asked, “what motivates you?” “Don’t you have anything that makes you feel calm?” The truth is, I once did, and now I am in the process of rediscovering that “something.” I used to be able to say “I love horror fiction, writing, reading, watching independent films, and human resources.” While most of this is still true, it isn’t in the same light that it was. My entire life was built upon what can I do to add to my resume next? I would join college organizations, volunteer to help people, and work on internships. Was any of this defining me, or was I simply living up to what society’s standards are of what a “good” person should feel.

In high school, I was still under the impression that “you can be anything that you set your mind to.” If only I knew how true that wasn’t. I do not want that to come off as negative, but there is certainly fine print in it, which is never mentioned. No one told me that if I wanted to be a writer then my script would need to fall in the lap of the right publisher. No one mentioned that if I wanted to write films then I would need to move to Hollywood to become recognized. No one brought up that you will need to apply for 100 jobs, and be lucky if you get five call backs, and one interview. It’s so much easier to give advice with no real solutions. We’re so used to asking “how are you?” Yet, we’re never prepared for, “I’m not doing well.” The response next is usually, “that’s too bad, I hope you feel better.” Carry on. It’s a bit difficult to get motivated when people only want to hear the good, but don’t care much about the bad if it’s anything other than just hearing about the problem.

I’ve discovered that travel is what motivates me most. It isn’t just about getting away from the depression of the job I’m stuck in, or having a routine life, but new things excite me in an indescribable way. There are so many things out there that I know exist, but have never seen. I have read about, and have written about, but how do I know it is really there? Of course, I know it is there because hundreds of people have done the same. But those things haven’t been seen with these eyes. There is no fear in personal fulfillment, and travel is mine.

Travel allows us to experience a new culture, and see things from a new perspective. This doesn’t have to be anything that cost an abundance of money, either. You can travel right from your hometown. There are so many things right where we are that we don’t know exist. Only a few months ago, I discovered that we have an underground cave with rock climbing! That one obviously cost money, but we also found a really neat dam not far from my job that was a replica of my passion for waterfalls. Nature is my second love to travel, particularly scenes of water. I also really enjoy trying new foods, so I am always looking up new recipes and buying a new seasoning that I didn’t know existed. This doesn’t always turn out as planned, but I do enjoy it for the sake of letting others’ try something new that I made.

I still enjoy reading, but not like I once did. In high school, you could not catch me without a book or journal in hand. It wasn’t until I got to college that I realized it wasn’t as enjoyable as it once was. That was scary. Why? Because if I was no longer the reader, the writer, the girl with potential, then who was I? Even now, I know for certain that I am not the 9-5 type, and I would do perfectly well on a secluded island that is technology free. As long as I am surrounded by water, large trees, and people (optional, I am comfortable being alone) who appreciate nature in the same way, then the world would be perfect.

That being said, knowing that there is so much out there that is yet to be experienced, discovered, is what motivates me. Knowing that there is more out there than financial gain, and that there might still be good people out there who also appreciate culture. When I was young, I wanted to be an archaeologist so bad. I was told by my father that it would be a horrible career move because we were not in a position that I could travel or make any real money from it. If only I were more educated on what that meant, then I would have ignored him and went for it. I took it so seriously that I started to study hieroglyphs, and actually got really good at it, before giving up and living down to my ability. I still love everything about ancient [Egyptian] culture, and would love to learn the things that I was deterred from. I no longer remember much of what I studied, and I am not using any of my college degree’s towards anything meaningful, so I may as well have went the direction of something I loved.

While I know that I can’t just go out and become an archaeologist now, and I know for sure now that HR is not an option for me, I am still figuring myself out. I want to be able to love something for no other reason than simply loving it. Not for money, or because the hours or benefits are great and I might be lucky enough to get two weeks of vacation off if I save it well enough, but because I truly have a drive for it. I will continue to reflect on this. 

Background on the picture above.

The picture above was taken during an exploration of looking for fireworks on the fourth of July. We were trying to find the highest point in our city that would offer the best view. While we never did find a “great” spot, the journey to do so was much more exhilarating. We found a marsh (these are so fascinating), what looked like a secret government spot, and a ton of hazard/KEEP OUT signs. But, all in good fun!

Optimize: Work

Is Work the New High School?

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Recently on Linkedin, an interesting topic came up: is it rude for a colleague to allow the door to shut/slam on the person walking in behind him or her, and is it necessary for the person being let in to say a simple “thank you.” Most of the comments said that a person should ever hold a door open, or give acts of kindness for a response in return. I say that is complete gibberish, and people will say anything on a social media platform for a positive response. Those same people defending the lack of workplace etiquette, are the same people who make lengthy Facebook posts about how disrespected they feel in these situations.

It was very much a surprise to see the amount of people who disagree with workplace manners, and creating a toxic environment. Leading up to that conversation, I had a co-worker that would always let the door shut on me. My suggestion in this post, and how I handled it, was that it should be addressed. Too often, we turn to social media to vent about these encounters instead of just speaking up. I can certainly understand the discomfort just about anywhere else, but in the workplace? A professional environment? We’re with these people for most of the day, why should we allow this behavior to exist? Why aren’t we optimizing each others lives?

My biggest workplace frustration has become that work no longer feels like a “safe” place that you think of as a productive second home. Saying “hello,” or waving is equivalent to trying to feed a resistant baby, if you want the pleasantry reciprocated. I make a daily effort to look people in the eye in passing, and speak. Most people in my workplace will look to the floor, wall, at their shoes, phone, even hand, to avoid a human exchange. Can social media really be the blame for this? If someone does speak, at most, a grunt comes out.

I first noticed this changing culture about ten years ago, when I still worked in retail. I smiled at a customer, and I heard him say to his wife “I don’t know why she’s smiling so goofy.” It’s actually a pretty funny comment, now. Then, however, I felt like Bernie Sanders or Joe Biden in that I had not yet caught up with this cultural shift that greetings were being easily misinterpreted. It’s very odd because so many people speak SO loudly with a keyboard. Take that away, and you’re lucky to get the thunder of the emoji eye roll or wink.

About a year ago, I took a poll in something else that I noticed. Many coworkers admitted that they do not participate in holiday greetings (not just religious). They said that they would never tell someone “happy Valentine’s Day” or “Happy Mother’s Day.” I found that very odd, am I alone in this? I asked why, and was told that too many people take it as flirting, or get offended, so they stopped altogether. I asked several age groups. I read an article that shed a little light on this. It’s logic was that you don’t know how such a comment makes a person feel. For example, telling a deeply depressed person Happy Valentine’s Day who just had a bad breakup. Or, saying Happy Mother’s Day to someone who just lost a mom. Of course, you did not know any of that when you said it. I’ve had people say both, but I’ve never been offended by any of that. Even during hard times, but I can see why they would suggest that.

That last one might not seem as much like high school, but it does add to the workplace politics. The rumor mill. Rumors are unethical in every way, and 95% of the time, once you hear it, it is not even close to the original rumor. That game “telephone” is true in more than one way. Unless it comes directly from the source, it is nonsense. Banter. Gossip. That does not take away from the hurt that it causes, the disappointment, and the reason for the behaviors listed above. Who would want to speak to someone that was “heard” saying something bad about them? Who would want to hold the door open for someone they were “told” must like them because they wished a happy holiday? Get it from the source, or get it out of your head, not out of your mouth! Studies have found that it people actually don’t care much about the content of a rumor when it is about them, but they are more bothered that someone is talking about them at all.

That being said:

  • Work is very similar to high school, but you control your cliques.
  • It’s okay to speak in the workplace, everyone does not want to date you.
  • If you have a close enough relationship, you can wish someone a happy holiday/occasion. Use commonsense.
  • Do not spread rumors. They are disgusting, and do not belong at work. You can guess all you want as to how much truth someone is saying, but it’s usually wrong.

My Personal Optimization

Welcome to My Optimization.

No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow.

— Lin Yutang.

Why Optimize?

This is the first post on my new blog. I have put off beginning a blog for quite some time, and it seemed right to begin sharing my journey. It has become very difficult to find genuine enlightenment during a simple search for guidance on the internet these days because no one is in it for the purpose of being helpful anymore. Someone needs to bring the real back to the structure. I commend those who have remained consistent, intentional, and objective during the social media age. I look forward to joining you!

The motivation of this blog is to speak openly and truthfully about the interest that people want to know more about. Anything from online dating, to travel tips (balancing frugal versus being cheap), traveling with a partner, relationships (having different perspectives, interest, and dealing with disapproving parents), the shift in workplace culture, and so much more.

Travel is really important to me, as is nature. It would be difficult to live a fulfilling life without experiencing these delicacies. My biggest quest is finding how to optimize my daily life when I am not able to travel or experience nature, and this often causes friction in my relationship. There are many who may have this same debacle. Let’s work on it. Let’s optimize.

What can you do today to optimize your life? It is a given right to help others. Often times, we hide behind the fog; that part of life that we do not want others to see or know exist within us. It could be a sexual desire, resentment towards a loved one, violent thoughts, anything. Even with all of this, what are you doing to optimize the positive feelings, and not letting the negative control you? My biggest struggle has been hating leaving for work each morning, simply because I’d rather have a life of travel, and experiencing new cultures. These thoughts aren’t uncommon, but being depressed about it doesn’t contribute to my growth or relationship.

I invite you to join me on this voyage, and together we can tackle optimizing our lives.

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My Personal Optimization

What is “Behind the Fog?”

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

~Plato.

Fog is ominous. There is a deep mystery behind it that allows us to write our own story. It might be a horror story like John Carpenter’s 1980 flick “The Fog,” or it might be the next breakthrough in science to save the world. What one considers to be negative, another may consider thrilling. I love the thought of the “not knowing,” but Behind the Fog is much more than either of these because it may be found within each individual.

What is behind my fog? If only there were an easy answer to this, but we also tend to make things more complex in our heads. Which, like many others, is one of the main things behind my fog. I get trapped in my thoughts more often than not, and it can cause a strain in “real” life. At this point, you may have realized that fog is purely metaphorical for our own conscience. Think about what that means for you.

The objective here is not to simply recognize what your fog is in order to tackle it overnight. That would not be realistic. It may not even be something that needs to be tackled, at least right this moment. There does, however, need to be self-awareness. Know what is behind your fog so that there are no surprises, especially if someone close recognizes it before you do.

Here are the main objectives for identifying what is behind your fog:

  • Self- awareness.
  • What are the peaks in your life right now? It’s a cliché question, but what makes you happy. I do not mean what you think sounds politically correct as an answer, but what truly makes you smile when no one is around?
  • What are your valleys? This may be more difficult to address because it will bring up a lot of emotional negativity. I find myself being aware of these often at work. I will address these in future posts. Right now, it’s all about you, and finding your own self-awareness so you can follow me on this journey!
  • How can you optimize your life based on those listed above? What would ease these feelings in an instant? For me, it is travel, nature, and being outdoors. Please list anything but money!

Think about all of this, and what you plan to accomplish from it. No action aside from making a list of your awareness; identifying what is behind your fog. Once that fog clears, what will you see? Is it not better to already know what is hiding there now so you can expect it? Do not be afraid of who you are. I will continue to reiterate this, but this is all about your own thoughts, and not what seems like the right answer. If you are embarrassed or ashamed of what it might look like written down, then only think about it. Honesty is the objective. If you can only be honest with yourself, then complete this when you are alone.

I hope to connect with others that constantly think about these same conceptions. I find myself writing about these in my journal often, but even then, I leave things out in case it is ever found. No one can judge you in your own mind, so take this seriously when generating your list, and I will do the same.

2017, Colorado. Taking a hike up Pike’s Peak.