All posts by Shá D.

In short, I love nature, being outdoors, traveling, writing, reading (when it keeps my interest), finding new places, waterfalls, animals, and elephants. My goal is to keep an honest identity, maintain integrity, and write about all of the things that I have trouble finding in online communities. Because I'm only human, there might be a few venting moments.

Hey, Stranger! Hey, Stranger. Hey, Stranger?

It’s that time of year. That awkward text message from an old “friend” that simply says “hey, stranger.” This alleged friend is now nothing more than an unknown phone number. So, what are you supposed to do with that??

I’ll start with my obvious frustration on this topic: the game.

This is when you politely state that you do not have the number saved, so the person decides to turn that into their personal entertainment. Clearly forgetting that they are the stranger.

It goes something like this:

  • Who do you think this is? *Winky face*
  • You don’t have my number saved??
  • Let me give you a hint…

During high school, I might have possibly engaged in responding out of boredom. Now, I either ignore it or block the number. If they truly know who you are, then they’ll figure out another way to reach you in a more appropriate way.

I don’t believe people realize how offensive “hey, stranger” is for the receiver. If you’re at the point that you’re calling someone “stranger,” what you presume is a joking way, then it’s certainly not funny, and you are definitely a stranger.

There are a hundred ways to track someone these days. Receiving this text message is even more demoralizing when you’ve seen this person take the time to post updates to “actual” strangers about work, media, food, relationships, vacations, and other interests.

Am I not as interesting as your bowl of cereal because the sun was shining just right on the table at the time you felt a need to share a photo of it (pouring it out anyway because it’s soggy now)?

Meaning: identify yourself! That simple. If I text someone whom I haven’t communicated with for a long while (months or years), or there wasn’t a [recent] close relationship, then at minimum I close the text with my initials.

I understand that people lose touch when life happens. However, nothing frustrates me more about the “hey, stranger” message than a bad excuse.

  • I’ve been busy
  • I’ve been working
  • I’ve been traveling

I’m just going to call it out. Everyone poops. Someone sending a “let’s catch up” text most likely eats, and sleeps sufficiently. It probably took about 10 seconds or less to write out, voice-to-text, or swipe that text message. If a billionaire CEO can make time, I’m sure little ol’ you can as well.

That being said, let’s hang up the busyness excuse. We’re all “busy,” but most of us want to appear, or simply feel, busier than we actually are.

Make time for your connections. I guarantee you have it. Ten minutes a year (and that’s being generous) is enough time to send a text blast to old friends. If you don’t have a few minutes or seconds for the folks saved in your phone, it’s time to delete them. Only add those that you find worthy of being a contact and reach out every 6-12 months.

It’s a great way to keep current and actually have something real to chat about.

This turns, “how have you been” into “the last time we chatted you mentioned ___, how’s that going?” You can even incorporate the “excuses” above: how was your vacation to __; what happened with that job you applied for?”

Each conversation will build upon the last and leave friends looking forward to hearing from you rather than sending you to voicemail, eye-rolling seeing your name pop up. Purposely asking “who is this?” just so you remember how unimportant you actually are.

Set an annual reminder if you’re truly that busy!

If you have time to send a vague holiday or birthday text once a year, then sending a personalized message any other day of the year when it isn’t so obligatory will add even more value and likely get a genuine response.

Compassion goes far. Slow down for the little things. Or don’t. But you might reflect on that if you make it to a natural old age death.

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Motivation Is a Game of Hide & Seek: Hide Fear, Seek Inspiration.

How do you get motivated? Stay motivated? The holidays are that time of year that seasonal depression is alarmingly high. It’s difficult to care about getting out of bed, cooking dinner, or visiting family/friends. You are fully in control of your thoughts, reaction to triggers, and motivation.

We often hear that things take time. While that is true, I’d say get impulsive! Meaning, the self-help books just about all say do a 30 day this or 3 month that. For those of us already struggling, getting started is the hardest part.

It requires a bit of force and negotiating. To do that, you must hide your fears. Lock them away. However, thoughts don’t just disappear. At least for me, negative thoughts linger until they are released.

I recommend writing these down as they surface. It can be in a journal, an email, or even a sticky note. You never have to look at it again. You can delete that email or toss the sticky note and burn it! I guarantee you will feel a weight lifted.

Something else that I found helpful was creating a “wall of negativity.” Whenever I found myself thinking about something negative for more than a few minutes, I decided to pin it to a wall using colorful post-it notes. Once there, I felt a complete release.

I keep the wall within view as a reminder that: 1. I’ve already had this thought before so it isn’t worth revisiting. 2. How often am I having these negative thoughts? Admittedly, the wall went from just one to being nearly full, but after months of doing this, those toxic thoughts nearly disappeared!

In the event that this didn’t work, I moved it to a journal to expand more on its value in my life. This has been impactful in other ways. I’ve become more open-minded, encourage others to think positive, and have even expanded my social circle without assuming everyone is out to get me.

That last one is an ongoing work in progress but certainly not where it was a year ago.

For every negative thought that you have, require yourself to say something positive out loud. Keep affirmations nearby if you need ideas or find that difficult. There’s an app for that.

This Thanksgiving, I challenge you to hide your fears in the open where you can easily access them and track your progress. Seek uncomfortable new ways to soothe those feelings of self-deprecation, should statements, labels, and self-fulfilling prophecies.

Refocus that negative thinking on not thinking at all. When the thoughts come rolling in, don’t think about the feeling or why this is happening. Instinctively grab that pen, pad, and start jotting down the thoughts as they pour in. You will also gain perspective by seeing just how nasty thoughts can become. Many are about yourself in an unhealthy way.

I am sending you the best on trying a new approach! Start NOW!

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What Version of Yourself Do You Truly Know?

Does it surprise you that an algorithm knows you better than you know yourself?

Years ago Netflix had a comments/star system. This was eventually transitioned to the like or dislike option. Why? Because Netflix wanted to collect data about what we say we like and what we actually like. What you say you like (media added to your “list”) is a version that you’ve created of yourself. You’ve added this to your list because you want this to be part of your identity.

The truth, however, is that 90% of us add items to our list that remain there never to be viewed. Ever. This is all speculation, of course. Again, just an example.

This exists in other ways: clothing bought but never worn; food purchased that expires; exercise equipment/gym membership that never gets used; saved phone numbers that never get called. All of these things make us feel better about ourselves in one way or another. It gives the id the ego boost that we’re doing right by the world because what kind of person would you be if you didn’t have educational documentaries saved to your stream list, healthy foods in the fridge, or the phone number of Grandma Annie?

I don’t want to get too off base here. The point is what we say we like/want/need and what we actually like/want/need differ substantially. Even while alone, we turn into a different version of ourselves every few seconds. In addition, when we encounter new people, familiar people, and known people, those are all a version that both of you have created at that moment. These versions are stacked away in our memories and locked for future use.

This is the reason why criminal justice hypnotists are able to pull that information out so easily when witnesses assume they have no memory of a person or event.

In addition, what can we make of coincidences? This could be the two worlds (or infinite worlds) for each person connecting in some way. We may experience this as déjà vu in our current reality but in a different world. Imagine how many times you have visited somewhere new but everything felt so familiar. Perhaps you have been there before but not in this reality.

The butterfly effect is another consideration. Say you trip while walking in one world and that triggers foot pain in another, or closing your eyes for sleep in one world might cause the loss of eyesight in another. What if you die in the current reality which causes sleep paralysis in another. Sure, this might all seem crazy or extreme but the concept itself is supernatural and fantastical.

Could dreams or nightmares also have a connection to these experiences? This might be another way that the worlds collide. We often see “strangers” in our dreams, or what we think of as strangers. Going back to the above point about what version others see of us, these are likely people we have encountered over time that have been remembered in our subconscious.

That lady at the grocery store whom you “think” you didn’t notice is actually part of those locked away memories that don’t get revised except in our dreams. There are times when someone looks familiar but we cannot pinpoint why. It’s that familiarity again because we have likely seen this person in our current or alternate reality. Humans can’t fully trust memories in an obvious way. Consider the Mandela Effect. That answers many of these questions for us.

What version are you and what version do you want to be? Which version has control and which version is toxic?

We create these “versions” without knowing that it’s even happening. Think about everyday tasks. At the grocery store, you may see about 20-50 people that visit and interact with one. However, every person that you’ve made eye contact with (or even glimpsed at) has already locked you away in their subconscious. They may revisit this experience days from now or years later based on a trigger. That could be a smell, a color, or an event.

With so many variations, how could it be possible to identify with any of them? Which parts of the psyche do we invent and which parts are organic? Which parts are completely hallucinatory?

When we think of this in terms of alternate realities and there being hundreds or thousands or millions of universes and forms of ourselves, we think of a physical entity. However, if these variants exist in millions of thoughts, where does that leave this “knowing” or Truth?

I can’t imagine that there is a resolution to these questions. Not a logical perspective that our current minds can comprehend in the now. Or, there could be an infinite quantity of answers. At minimum, it induces reflection.

…which version of yourself is reflecting? Which version is accepting? Which version is dismissive?

What are your thoughts? Have you “felt” other versions of yourself exists?

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Is The Joke on You?

How important is a sense of humor to you? How important is it for your relationship or friends to have that personality trait? How often are you the person telling the joke? Now, and be honest, how often are you at the core of the joke because you’ve tried too hard to focus on the attention of the crowd instead of the quality of your humor? Here are a few ways to know your audience or share these tips with someone who just doesn’t get it.

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Here’s the scenario: you’re telling a joke at a gathering and everyone laughs, maybe even hysterically. The laughs die down but now that the attention is on you, why stop now? You keep going. Laughs turn into chuckles, which turn into giggles, which turn into awkward grunts. It’s easy to feel pressured to keep going or to crave so much attention that you do not notice it’s time to quit.

I’ve seen this a lot at work and in personal interactions. The joker must know when to end the ongoing banter. This is much easier when it’s a group conversation but when there are only two people going back and forth then someone must step up to redirect the chat. I mostly see this in those trying to one-up each other, until ultimately someone gets offended or bored. When the chat turns into this, the jokes are merely scanty words that fall flat.

It’s easy to identify that things have taken a turn and you’re at the center. Not in a good way.

There is tension or frustration in the group

If you start to notice eye rolls, condescending smirks, constant hand movement, or those you’re speaking to shifting away from you then it’s a kind way of showing disinterest without having to say it. Take the hint. Frustration is also shown by the group taking in deep breaths and exhales, looking down or away, and beginning to fiddle with a phone, drink, or other objects.

Everyone is looking around for an escape

When suddenly it’s time for a restroom break or appetizer, it’s clear that excuses are being made to escape from you.

You’re working harder for laughs.

When you have to rely on excessive body language/movements or loud noises to get or keep everyone’s attention then it’s time to redirect or exit the conversation. If you’re able to pass the conversation to someone else without dwelling on it, then it’s a great way to test yourself and if there is a bigger issue (depression, loneliness, narcissism).

People are avoiding making eye contact.

Generally, if someone is leading the conversation then everyone makes eye contact with the person. If you are speaking but everyone is purposely looking away then it’s a good indicator that they no longer want to hear you speak. It’s even more certain if the person you came with is no longer giving you a sympathetic laugh or giggle.

Everyone is silent.

Similar to that above, the person or group is no longer laughing at your jokes. Doing so is enabling and they want nothing more than for this to be over. There are obvious head gestures amongst the group and facial expressions of annoyance.

There are ways to improve social ignorance. Here’s what you can do:

  • Know your why. What is the goal when you speak to a crowd? Is it to entertain everyone, get laughs, impress someone(s), feel better about yourself, or some other reason?
  • Be respectful of everyone’s time and patience. Using the indicators above, read your audience. Body language, tone, facial expressions, etc will tell you everything about how the group is feeling as you press on.
  • Know when to walk away. Give the people space! If you notice that the laughs have died down and have turned into polite giggles then it’s time to excuse yourself or…
  • Invite someone else to take over the conversation. The easiest way to do this is to ask someone a question while changing the subject. Let them speak. If the crowd regains interest, that is not an invitation to take over again. Your moment has passed! Notice the mood of the crowd.
  • Don’t be arrogant and selfish. It’s condescending and pretentious to assume that you are that funny. Maybe you are, but the point is to be aware of when to pause.

What are your thoughts? Have you come across this person at a gathering? Have you been the victim or the culprit?

Share this with someone who could use a little advice about balance and discipline.

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Join Me for No Screen Saturday

Based on the title, you can probably take a wild guess at what this is about. Yes, that is true BUT I challenge you to do more than shake your head in agreement or disapproval. Try it out for once. If there were a package disclaimer, you would read something like “guaranteed to change your life.” Minus the lawsuit. Let’s see…

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“Ethical” Non-Monogamy (ENM): How Morally Correct is Non-Monogamy?

If you have recently perused dating sites, you have come across profiles that mention ENM. What is ethical, of course, depends on what relationship standards are set between all parties involved. Is it truly possible to be “happy” if you’re seeking fulfillment in others on a public dating forum?

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Malibu Rising: An Over-Exaggeration of the Rich or the Reality of Wealth?

Malibu Rising (2021) is the latest [released] book from Taylor Jenkins Reid (TJR). Did this book miss the mark or did it exceed expectations? If you’re on the fence about trying this one out, reading it for a book club, or simply asking yourself what it is you just read (head scratch), then read ahead! -Spoiler Alert-

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Duped on the Promotion? Give In, Give Up, or Get Out!

How many times has a promotion come up at your job that was given to someone else? You put in the years, the extra hours, and the loyalty; yet, it went to a recent hire who is less qualified. What can you do about it?

Most of the time, we walk around angry, frustrated, and confused. At some point, you must make a decision about what the future holds without waiting for someone higher to give us permission to grow. What is the best choice?

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Consciousness First-time Visit: Part II

Reflecting on philosophy is a challenge for those who aren’t familiar with the concept (at a high level). I’m still navigating putting my thoughts together without feeling judged by those who study philosophy relentlessly. Nietzsche didn’t care, so why should I? In Part I of my reflection I first dove into several questions that came to me as I read Beyond Good and Evil by Friedrich Nietzsche (1886).

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The House Across the Lake: is it “The Girl on the Train” Part II?

If you’re debating reading this book, skip this review as it is engrossed with spoilers! If you’ve read it but were left comparing it to recycled book tropes from ” not another twist,” or scratching your head because, “wait, that didn’t make sense,” or counting the plot holes, read on…

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