You’re driving at normal speed, and the person behind you proceeds to tailgate, presumably because you are driving too slow. This individual begins to flash headlights and honk before aggressively speeding around and making a quick exit. You notice the person speeds right into the parking lot of…fast food. So, what was the rush? A crying baby? An emergency?
Continue reading Why the Rush?“I could walk a mile in your shoes, but I already know they’re just as uncomfortable as mine. Let’s walk next to each other instead…”
Relationships are not always perfect, and there can be really bad times that need suggestions to help a significant other. But how do relationships handle being in a great mood when a partner isn’t? This can cause friction right away, and leave you at a loss as to what to do during that moment. I have a lot of mood swings that my boyfriend handles very well, and it is not often that the tables are turned. Below are six ways that we went from what could have become not speaking until someone apologized, to a wonderful impromptu date night out. Try reading this article about “how to manage your partner’s bad moods.” There are helpful tips to identify what to look for in your partner, and yourself during these mishaps.
Many times we think we are being helpful by bringing up how bad our own day was. This may come off as insensitive, and quickly lead to a misunderstanding. Always keep the focus on your partner. They entrusted you enough to share a dark time, so the fair thing to do would be to keep things positive, and truly concentrate on what is being said. Watch for mannerisms, body movement, keywords, and tone. If you notice that things are escalating or becoming confrontational, offer to continue the conversation once both of you are calm, and able to control flaring tempers.
This may seem obvious, but many times we become instantly defensive when it feels like a personal attack, when something may not have been intended that way. Take a moment to think about what was just said, process it, and then speak once you are clear about what you intend to say. There will be heavy emotions when someone is having a bad day. I was very excited to see my partner yesterday, and I was in one of the best moods that I have been in for quite some time during the work week. I was ready to share how work went, and how my weekly goals were coming along, but I knew straight away that he was not his normal self once I saw the expression on his face. I had to put everything that I was feeling and wanted to share on pause. I knew we would have the opportunity to talk about it later, but it did become about what he was feeling. It certainly caught me off-guard, so there were several moments that I had to change my conduct.
It may not always be purposely, but go back to the previous point. Think about what it is that you are saying, your tone of voice, and how someone may perceive it. Does it come off as judgmental? I tend to get a very high tone when I speak in passion, but to others, that comes off as aggressive. I notice that other people do this as well, even the same people that complain about it. Now that I have more awareness that this happens, I make them aware, also. Simply by saying, “I notice your tone is getting really loud.” This happens more with my mom than anyone else, but it is just because she is excited about the topic, and doesn’t realize that she is doing it.
Another trait of being human is that we can’t always control our facial expressions. This could come off as critical. Put together with tone, this is disaster. This is also why it is essential to listen, and only offer feedback once there is a pause break, and once the person has finished their thought. Offering advice too soon may result in a quick rebuttal if you haven’t allowed all information to come out yet. But, again, be sure that this is the time to add a comment, or if you should wait until the timing is better. This goes right into the next element.
Offer your full attention, and determine if this is the right moment to advance opinions. If you aren’t the type of person who is good at listening, try reading about ways to improve this skill. A few similar tips that the author suggest are: stay focused on the moment, do not interrupt, LISTEN, be fair, empathize, and ask your partner for feedback about your conversations. I never put much thought into the last one, but it is something that many couples probably don’t do enough of. If you’re with your partner most of the time, then they would be the right person to ask, but be sure it isn’t biased (it will be to some degree). All of this goes back to the first method, keeping focused on your partner. I find myself interrupting a lot when I’m trying to get a thought out, but don’t notice that I am speaking over someone. It is a habit that I have gotten better at, and try to remain cognizant of.
Some people just want to be alone, but others may want to share all about a bad day with the person they are closest to. If you aren’t completely sure which they are feeling, simply ask. Telling someone you will give them space may come off that you do not want to hear about their problems. Several times during our disagreements, one of us will ask if space is needed, but I notice that it is generally only when things get tense or one person is feeling combative. If things get too strained, it is best that someone calmly demand a “timeout.” I tried this when things weren’t as hostile for us both (only one, not both of us, were in a bad mood) because I wasn’t sure if he wanted to be alone & reflect or not. In this case, he did not want space, so I am glad I asked before leaving the room. It worked out, and we were able to talk it out.
If you were feeling as low as your partner, what would make you feel better? What advice would you give yourself? When I’m having a bad day, or a bad attitude, I get entangled in my thoughts. I like to be around my partner, but I prefer things to be quiet at first. He usually knows how to overcome this obstacle. There are a few things that would make me feel better when I’m feeling down. If you need something quick and in the moment, try board games, a snack or indoor picnic, a cheesy comedy, or my favorite, get out! Go for a walk around the neighborhood, go for ice cream, an arcade, or a nature park. Nature is therapeutic.
We both LOVE nature, so this was my first thought to get both of our spirits up. If you need ideas, try these outdoors ideas or cheap everyday things that cost little to nothing. The picture above/below is from our impromptu date night out. I suggested that we go for a walk to change the mood, which I didn’t think he would be up for, but I was so happy when he said yes! I just wanted him to feel better, and by the end of the night, he was smiling. Not back to his normal self, but that takes time. We are both in search of something greater, and these down moments will happen until we reach those high periods in life.
The next time one of you are having a bad day, try these techniques, and let me know how it went. ~Shá
Travel. Your money will return, your time won’t.
~Unknown.
What are we doing with most of our time? I have to ask myself this a lot, and my conclusion is always, “not enough.” My primary debacle comes from my expectations of others, and expectations of myself. People make it seem that wanting to enjoy your own life is a sin. It is your to do what you please, and live as you wish. I LOVE to travel and explore new places. Primarily “off the beaten path” places that are not tourist hubs. Those can be interesting, but it is not where I would spend most of my trip. This is actually putting my dreams at a slow pace, as I can only take 1-2 vacations per year, which is never nearly enough. As you may have gathered, I love to travel! I want to connect with others who share that passion, and learn more about what those lives are like. I am still discovering a career path that will allow this more.
About five years ago, I had a breakup with my then boyfriend. After that moment, I was introduced to online dating, something I was completely opposed to, in what I found to be the most rational sense. There were several things that I learned from that relationship, as we all do, but mostly that online does offer the opportunity to say upfront exactly what you want before the date. Of course, people tend to fudge who they are for the sake of a simple reply, but I was hopeful that my profile would be boring enough to attract similar personalities. It worked, to some degree, but I was flooded with responses from [literally] hundreds of men because of my “good girl” demeanor. I will get more into this in the future, but my point is that I wanted to find someone who shared my love for travel, and “the little things.”
I ultimately did begin dating someone, who I am still with, but we have different interests in our preferences, that we are always talking through to understand each other more. He loves to learn, and I love to travel. The only way for our worlds to meet is by me learning while traveling. I do not find reading a textbook or sitting in front of a computer to be fulfilling or compelling; that is my day job. I don’t just want to read about it, I want to see it, and touch it, whenever possible. I want to deeply feel it, and not just have an interesting fact to share during conversations with friends or strangers.
I want to share experiences, not knowledge that is useless until a lunch date. I am a visual learner, so show me don’t tell me. A 2013 survey by the US Travel Association found that 94% of couples that travel together felt closer, as opposed to 86% of couples that did not feel closer and didn’t travel together. The survey found that most of couples who traveled found this to be a bond to “spend alone time together” and “are more likely to communicate well.” The survey linked the below statistics to igniting intimacy, long-term benefits, and maintaining a relationship.
I, too, agree with these facts for the same reason that I agree with the concept of the holidays that we all hate. Yes, it has become commercial propaganda, but the initial reasons (if you ever have time to look up why some of these were created) had good intentions.
I have been off of social media for about four years now, but the main thing I hated to read was “I treat her like the queen she is every day, but Happy Mother’s Day to my wife.” You and your wife both know that isn’t true, and holidays are just a reminder of the things we tend to forget. For the 1% that don’t put on a sham, kudos! If you are opposed to holidays, then choose another day each month or every few months just to treat someone special that you would otherwise forget I will share in the future what we have done to get around this obstacle). It isn’t often that a partner sends flowers, or gives roses until said holidays arrive.
Traveling is a great way to fill in those gaps. It is a way to bond when life gets in the way of that closeness, and it is truly the only way that you can focus on each other with no distractions. You can attempt to do this from home, but often times something else comes up (television, video games, cooking for lunch/dinner & not pleasure or a romantic evening, cleaning, emails, and all of the other unsexy things that we do each day). I fully support and commend couples that have discovered this secret, and made it work for them. In a future post, I will talk about what it has been like to be in a relationship when that passion for something isn’t fully shared. He does enjoy our trips when we do go, but it isn’t high on his priority list, as it is for me.
Travel has transformed me. It is a relief drug. It drives me to an all-time high. As much as I love to travel, it does not define me wholly. When I am not able to travel, I love to be outdoors, especially in nature.
Nature is like a home vacation. I am always looking for new places, and things to do. Luckily, this is something that is a necessity for us both in my relationship. The sound, smell, and identity of nature, all of it stimulates me. In particular, I enjoy the sight of water. This may seem odd, but it is so invigorating and captivating. Enough adjectives, but I hope you can understand and relate the feelings that it brings me. I have an obsession with everything water: waterfalls, rivers, oceans, rain, streams, the toilet flushing, the faucet running, and on and on. It’s a quirk of my personality, and waterfalls are a must-see when I visit any place. I sleep to the sound of water each night with an app. These are the main things that bring me calmness and joy.
I have watched several relatives get older in their long-term relationships, and begin making travel plans or trying new things after the kids are older. Why wait until you are frail, slow, sick, insecure (I am not saying that is the case with everyone, but in this case, they are). I refuse to let life pass me by, and I continue to seek adventure! Once the last trip ends, planning for the next is in full swing. I have always hoped to share that with someone special.
A few other fun facts about me: I will mention my boyfriend often, and we are deciding if we should begin a YouTube channel together, as another platform to bring us closer. We have a lot of candid moments that could bring happiness to others.I enjoy independent films that relate to me, or real life in general.
My favorite animal is the elephant, but I also love cats, horses, and small dogs . I don’t have a typical “favorite” color, if at all, but if I had to choose, it would be brown, orange, or blueish. As mentioned, I love to make and try new foods, but mostly for others to try it (i.e. my boyfriend or parents). I am not a huge fan of music (that does not mean I do not enjoy it), but when I do listen, I like very melancholic or dramatic sounds. I have wanted to learn the guitar for a few years, but my motivation has not been strong enough to remain consistent. Each time I hear an acoustic riff, I begin to research chords again. I haven’t given up on it completely, but I just need to find a balance of practice.
The majority (if not all) pictures on my site are mine or belong to my partner, using the Google Pixel (1 & 2). I try to avoid any pictures that aren’t, but if I do use something from another person, it will be credited as such, and clearly stated. Each blog will be a new learning experience, as this is uncharted territory.
I have put off blogging for a few years, but have been adding to my outline of it for the same amount of time. I am ready to share my progress, and stick with it! I think of blogging as a safe place to share thoughts, ideas, and honesty.
Blogging is an escape from the “real” world. It is nice to be able to share things with others’ who may have the same feelings. Things that a relative or person in everyday life will never understand. We can all optimize each others lives by keeping our “social” [media] selves honest. I look forward to exploring, optimizing together! I do not want to become quickly jaded, so I am still working on my plan to hold myself accountable. There’s so much more to tell! But, I will save the rest for the blog. Thanks for reading, and until next time…
I am still figuring that out, and there is no shame in that.
I was recently asked, “what motivates you?” “Don’t you have anything that makes you feel calm?” The truth is, I once did, and now I am in the process of rediscovering that “something.” I used to be able to say “I love horror fiction, writing, reading, watching independent films, and human resources.” While most of this is still true, it isn’t in the same light that it was. My entire life was built upon what can I do to add to my resume next? I would join college organizations, volunteer to help people, and work on internships. Was any of this defining me, or was I simply living up to what society’s standards are of what a “good” person should feel.
In high school, I was still under the impression that “you can be anything that you set your mind to.” If only I knew how true that wasn’t. I do not want that to come off as negative, but there is certainly fine print in it, which is never mentioned. No one told me that if I wanted to be a writer then my script would need to fall in the lap of the right publisher. No one mentioned that if I wanted to write films then I would need to move to Hollywood to become recognized. No one brought up that you will need to apply for 100 jobs, and be lucky if you get five call backs, and one interview. It’s so much easier to give advice with no real solutions. We’re so used to asking “how are you?” Yet, we’re never prepared for, “I’m not doing well.” The response next is usually, “that’s too bad, I hope you feel better.” Carry on. It’s a bit difficult to get motivated when people only want to hear the good, but don’t care much about the bad if it’s anything other than just hearing about the problem.
I’ve discovered that travel is what motivates me most. It isn’t just about getting away from the depression of the job I’m stuck in, or having a routine life, but new things excite me in an indescribable way. There are so many things out there that I know exist, but have never seen. I have read about, and have written about, but how do I know it is really there? Of course, I know it is there because hundreds of people have done the same. But those things haven’t been seen with these eyes. There is no fear in personal fulfillment, and travel is mine.
Travel allows us to experience a new culture, and see things from a new perspective. This doesn’t have to be anything that cost an abundance of money, either. You can travel right from your hometown. There are so many things right where we are that we don’t know exist. Only a few months ago, I discovered that we have an underground cave with rock climbing! That one obviously cost money, but we also found a really neat dam not far from my job that was a replica of my passion for waterfalls. Nature is my second love to travel, particularly scenes of water. I also really enjoy trying new foods, so I am always looking up new recipes and buying a new seasoning that I didn’t know existed. This doesn’t always turn out as planned, but I do enjoy it for the sake of letting others’ try something new that I made.
I still enjoy reading, but not like I once did. In high school, you could not catch me without a book or journal in hand. It wasn’t until I got to college that I realized it wasn’t as enjoyable as it once was. That was scary. Why? Because if I was no longer the reader, the writer, the girl with potential, then who was I? Even now, I know for certain that I am not the 9-5 type, and I would do perfectly well on a secluded island that is technology free. As long as I am surrounded by water, large trees, and people (optional, I am comfortable being alone) who appreciate nature in the same way, then the world would be perfect.
That being said, knowing that there is so much out there that is yet to be experienced, discovered, is what motivates me. Knowing that there is more out there than financial gain, and that there might still be good people out there who also appreciate culture. When I was young, I wanted to be an archaeologist so bad. I was told by my father that it would be a horrible career move because we were not in a position that I could travel or make any real money from it. If only I were more educated on what that meant, then I would have ignored him and went for it. I took it so seriously that I started to study hieroglyphs, and actually got really good at it, before giving up and living down to my ability. I still love everything about ancient [Egyptian] culture, and would love to learn the things that I was deterred from. I no longer remember much of what I studied, and I am not using any of my college degree’s towards anything meaningful, so I may as well have went the direction of something I loved.
While I know that I can’t just go out and become an archaeologist now, and I know for sure now that HR is not an option for me, I am still figuring myself out. I want to be able to love something for no other reason than simply loving it. Not for money, or because the hours or benefits are great and I might be lucky enough to get two weeks of vacation off if I save it well enough, but because I truly have a drive for it. I will continue to reflect on this.
Background on the picture above.
The picture above was taken during an exploration of looking for fireworks on the fourth of July. We were trying to find the highest point in our city that would offer the best view. While we never did find a “great” spot, the journey to do so was much more exhilarating. We found a marsh (these are so fascinating), what looked like a secret government spot, and a ton of hazard/KEEP OUT signs. But, all in good fun!
No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow.
— Lin Yutang.
This is the first post on my new blog. I have put off beginning a blog for quite some time, and it seemed right to begin sharing my journey. It has become very difficult to find genuine enlightenment during a simple search for guidance on the internet these days because no one is in it for the purpose of being helpful anymore. Someone needs to bring the real back to the structure. I commend those who have remained consistent, intentional, and objective during the social media age. I look forward to joining you!
The motivation of this blog is to speak openly and truthfully about the interest that people want to know more about. Anything from online dating, to travel tips (balancing frugal versus being cheap), traveling with a partner, relationships (having different perspectives, interest, and dealing with disapproving parents), the shift in workplace culture, and so much more.
Travel is really important to me, as is nature. It would be difficult to live a fulfilling life without experiencing these delicacies. My biggest quest is finding how to optimize my daily life when I am not able to travel or experience nature, and this often causes friction in my relationship. There are many who may have this same debacle. Let’s work on it. Let’s optimize.
What can you do today to optimize your life? It is a given right to help others. Often times, we hide behind the fog; that part of life that we do not want others to see or know exist within us. It could be a sexual desire, resentment towards a loved one, violent thoughts, anything. Even with all of this, what are you doing to optimize the positive feelings, and not letting the negative control you? My biggest struggle has been hating leaving for work each morning, simply because I’d rather have a life of travel, and experiencing new cultures. These thoughts aren’t uncommon, but being depressed about it doesn’t contribute to my growth or relationship.
I invite you to join me on this voyage, and together we can tackle optimizing our lives.
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We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.
~Plato.
Fog is ominous. There is a deep mystery behind it that allows us to write our own story. It might be a horror story like John Carpenter’s 1980 flick “The Fog,” or it might be the next breakthrough in science to save the world. What one considers to be negative, another may consider thrilling. I love the thought of the “not knowing,” but Behind the Fog is much more than either of these because it may be found within each individual.
What is behind my fog? If only there were an easy answer to this, but we also tend to make things more complex in our heads. Which, like many others, is one of the main things behind my fog. I get trapped in my thoughts more often than not, and it can cause a strain in “real” life. At this point, you may have realized that fog is purely metaphorical for our own conscience. Think about what that means for you.
The objective here is not to simply recognize what your fog is in order to tackle it overnight. That would not be realistic. It may not even be something that needs to be tackled, at least right this moment. There does, however, need to be self-awareness. Know what is behind your fog so that there are no surprises, especially if someone close recognizes it before you do.
Here are the main objectives for identifying what is behind your fog:
Think about all of this, and what you plan to accomplish from it. No action aside from making a list of your awareness; identifying what is behind your fog. Once that fog clears, what will you see? Is it not better to already know what is hiding there now so you can expect it? Do not be afraid of who you are. I will continue to reiterate this, but this is all about your own thoughts, and not what seems like the right answer. If you are embarrassed or ashamed of what it might look like written down, then only think about it. Honesty is the objective. If you can only be honest with yourself, then complete this when you are alone.
I hope to connect with others that constantly think about these same conceptions. I find myself writing about these in my journal often, but even then, I leave things out in case it is ever found. No one can judge you in your own mind, so take this seriously when generating your list, and I will do the same.
Behind the Fog: The Peaks & Valleys of Life. 
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